Super Bowl madness

Feb 3, 2013

Will the San Francisco 49ers mine Super Bowl gold? Or will the Baltimore Ravens peck their eyes out, Alfred Hitchcock style?

Sorry. Us media types go into over-hype for jumbo cultural events like the Super Bowl. You know, the Bud Miller Ford Chevy Coke Pepsi Cheetos Doritos Viagra Cialis Super Bowl.

But hey, “Super Sunday” only comes once a year — that special day when the world’s only true superpower deploys its most elite, body-armored millionaires in a Roman-numeraled orgy of all-American overkill. Consumerism, commercialism and recreational violence with a VIP sideshow.

TV officials say elevendy billion people worldwide will jam the virtual coliseum this evening, as satellites beam the Big Game to hundreds of countries in dozens of languages. CBS promises several full minutes of action packed into the evening-long Super Telecast, which will carry optional subtitles for viewers in Belgium, Rwanda and parts of Mississippi. It will be close-captioned for the pigskin-impaired.

As the Cavalcade of Concussions unfolds on the playing field, the annual avalanche of advertising excess provides a compelling side drama in which corporate executives shell out $4 million for 30-second time slots for commercials urging you to buy trucks, chips and beer, and truckloads of chips and beer.

In keeping with Super Bowl tradition, the game also presents a special opportunity to learn about the many wonder pills that are guaranteed to improve your life, despite an often horrifying lineup of side effects. (Do you suffer from post-orgasmic stress disorder? Restless hand syndrome? Adult onset celibacy? Ask your doctor about Fornica!)

OK, enough pregame hype. Let’s meet the combatants.

The Baltimore Ravens are the favorite team of 19th century literary titan Edgar Allen Poe, whose epic 1845 poem “The Raven” is said to have foretold Baltimore star Ray Lewis’ macabre descent into double-murder drama and his return to glory as NFL elder statesman and kid-friendly TV pitchman.

The San Francisco 49ers, of course, were named in honor of the 12 heroic miners who survived being trapped 86 hours in a California gold mine before emerging as millionaires in 1849.

The teams are led into battle by the hard-nosed, hard-working Harbaugh brothers — Fred and Guillermo (aka John and Jim). Amid this harmonic convergence of Harbaugh karma, it will be interesting to see which Harbaugh gets the last hurrah.

But first, the NFL — in partnership with the American Dental Association, the Committee to Prevent Cheese Breath and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Chicken Wings — offers these important safety tips for viewers at home.

To avoid sustaining an “NFL-style” concussion during the game, do not “head butt” fellow fans, even after witnessing a particularly exciting “flea flicker” or “pick six.”

If you should suffer a dislocated jaw while wolfing down mass quantities of orange-colored cardboard, simply motion for a teammate to snap the mandible back into place — and resume eating. (For best results, do not consume more than five 128-ounce bags of Blazin’ Buffalo Doritos before halftime.)

Less knowledgeable fans may avoid mockery and possible stiff arms by refraining from asking such questions as, “Why do those men in spandex keep hugging and slugging each other?” or “Which one’s Pittsburgh?”

Fun facts

Did you know American football was invented by Dr. James “Coach” Redzone back in 1872.

However, some say it may have been created by the Mayans (using a chupacabra skull for a ball), by the 19th century Zambians (zebra skull) or by Roman gladiators (don’t ask). Other less-credible theories involve ancient astronauts, Touchdown Jesus and prehistoric beings using cave-wall hieroglyphics to diagram the Cro-Magnon Blitz.

The first presidential football fan was Teddy Roosevelt, whose concern over excessive gridiron violence moved him to ban firearms from the game in 1905. However, quarterbacks still maintain their Second Amendment right to use the “shotgun.”

The 164-hour pre-game show will feature videotaped analysis by Ryan Seacrest, Ted Nugent and the Octomom, along with a poignant segment on a star Budweiser Clydesdale who will miss the big game with a torn ACL.

Sources say Kim Kardashian dominated the reality TV pass, punt and kick contest, flattening Hulk Hogan and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Pre-game festivities are also said to include a Texas chainsaw cage match between the mayors of Baltimore and San Francisco. (“Two mayors enter, one mayor leave.”)

The whole spectacle promises to be quite super.

In fact, a recent Super Bowl super poll revealed a super majority of American super fans are super stoked to super pack their pie holes with supermarket snacks as the supercharged juggernaut of supermodels, superstar athletes and super-sized commercials frees their super ego to revel in a full-blown, five-alarm chili bowl Super Bowl stupor.

— John Breneman