We are here to pump you up – for the Super Bowl.
Also known as the Bud Miller Ford Chevy Coke Pepsi Cheetos Doritos Viagra Cialis Super Bowl.
“Super Sunday” only comes but a year – that special day when the world’s only true superpower deploys its most elite, body-armored millionaires in a Roman-numeraled orgy of all-American overkill.
Consumerism, commercialism and recreational violence with a VIP sideshow.
TV officials say elevendy billion people worldwide will jam the virtual coliseum. And NBC promises several full minutes of action packed into the evening-long Super Telecast, which will carry optional subtitles for viewers in Belgium, Rwanda and parts of Mississippi. It will be close-captioned for the pigskin-impaired.
As the Cavalcade of Concussions unfolds on the playing field, the annual avalanche of advertising excess provides a compelling side drama in which corporate executives shell out $4 million or more for 30-second time slots urging you to buy trucks, chips and beer, and truckloads of chips and beer.
(SAMPLE AD: Do you suffer from post-orgasmic stress disorder? Restless hand syndrome? Adult onset celibacy? Ask your doctor about Fornica!)
But before you tune in, the NFL – in partnership with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Chicken Wings – offers these important safety tips.
To avoid sustaining an “NFL-style” concussion during the game, do not “head butt” fellow fans, even after witnessing a particularly exciting “flea flicker” or “pump fake.”
Less knowledgeable fans may avoid mockery and possible stiff arms by refraining from asking such questions as, “What’s a punt?” or “Which one’s New England?”
If you should suffer a dislocated jaw while wolfing down fistfuls of orange “snack” substances, simply motion for a teammate to snap the mandible back into place – and resume eating. (For best results, do not consume more than three 128-ounce bags of Zesty Chipotle Jalapeno Doritos before halftime.)
Meanwhile, medical professionals warn that 90 percent of U.S. slobs are at “super” risk of overindulging. In fact, a recent Super Bowl super poll revealed a super majority of U.S. super fans are super stoked to pack their pie holes with supermarket snacks as the supercharged juggernaut of supermodels, superstar athletes and super-sized commercials frees their super ego to revel in a full-blown, five-alarm chili bowl Super Bowl stupor.
— John Breneman
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