Super Bowl fever

Jan 29, 2015

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Fun fact: The first presidential football fan was Teddy Roosevelt, whose concern over excessive gridiron violence moved him to ban firearms from the game in 1905. However, quarterbacks still maintain their Second Amendment right to use the “shotgun.”

We are here to pump you up – for the Super Bowl.

Also known as the Bud Miller Ford Chevy Coke Pepsi Cheetos Doritos Viagra Cialis Super Bowl.

“Super Sunday” only comes but a year – that special day when the world’s only true superpower deploys its most elite, body-armored millionaires in a Roman-numeraled orgy of all-American overkill.

Consumerism, commercialism and recreational violence with a VIP sideshow.

TV officials say elevendy billion people worldwide will jam the virtual coliseum. And NBC promises several full minutes of action packed into the evening-long Super Telecast, which will carry optional subtitles for viewers in Belgium, Rwanda and parts of Mississippi. It will be close-captioned for the pigskin-impaired.

As the Cavalcade of Concussions unfolds on the playing field, the annual avalanche of advertising excess provides a compelling side drama in which corporate executives shell out $4 million or more for 30-second time slots urging you to buy trucks, chips and beer, and truckloads of chips and beer.

kardashian-fornica(SAMPLE AD: Do you suffer from post-orgasmic stress disorder? Restless hand syndrome? Adult onset celibacy? Ask your doctor about Fornica!)

But before you tune in, the NFL – in partnership with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Chicken Wings – offers these important safety tips.

To avoid sustaining an “NFL-style” concussion during the game, do not “head butt” fellow fans, even after witnessing a particularly exciting “flea flicker” or “pump fake.”

Less knowledgeable fans may avoid mockery and possible stiff arms by refraining from asking such questions as, “What’s a punt?” or “Which one’s New England?”

If you should suffer a dislocated jaw while wolfing down fistfuls of orange “snack” substances, simply motion for a teammate to snap the mandible back into place – and resume eating. (For best results, do not consume more than three 128-ounce bags of Zesty Chipotle Jalapeno Doritos before halftime.)

Meanwhile, medical professionals warn that 90 percent of U.S. slobs are at “super” risk of overindulging. In fact, a recent Super Bowl super poll revealed a super majority of U.S. super fans are super stoked to pack their pie holes with supermarket snacks as the supercharged juggernaut of supermodels, superstar athletes and super-sized commercials frees their super ego to revel in a full-blown, five-alarm chili bowl Super Bowl stupor.

— John Breneman

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