Super Bowl fever

Fun fact: The first presidential football fan was Teddy Roosevelt, whose concern over excessive gridiron violence moved him to ban firearms from the game in 1905. However, quarterbacks still maintain their Second Amendment right to use the “shotgun.”

A Super Bowl super poll reveals that a super majority of U.S. super fans are super stoked for today’s supercharged juggernaut of supermodels, superstar athletes and super-sized commercials.

Also known as the Super Bowl.

Aka the Bud Miller Ford Chevy Coke Pepsi Cheetos Doritos Viagra Cialis Super Bowl.

“Super Sunday” comes but once a year – a super showdown between elite, body-armored millionaires, a Roman-numeraled orgy of all-American overkill.

Consumerism, commercialism, cannibalism (wait, no cannibalism; that was fake news). Recreational violence with a VIP sideshow.

Super Suspense! Will halftime headliner Lady Gaga sneak a salute to Lord MAGA ?!?

TV officials say elevendy billion people worldwide will jam the virtual coliseum. And FOX promises several full minutes of action packed into the evening-long Super Telecast, which will carry optional subtitles for viewers in Moscow, Beijing and parts of Mississippi. It will be close-captioned for the pigskin-impaired.

The annual avalanche of advertising excess provides a compelling side drama in which corporate executives shell out $5 million or more for 30-second spots urging you to buy trucks, chips and beer, and truckloads of chips and beer. Lots of other interesting stuff too.

kardashian-fornica(SAMPLE AD: Do you suffer from post-orgasmic stress disorder? Restless hand syndrome? Adult onset celibacy? Ask your doctor about Fornica!)

But before you tune in, the NFL – in partnership with the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Chicken Wings and the Committee to Prevent Cheese Breath – offers these important safety tips.

To avoid sustaining an “NFL-style” concussion during the game, do not “head butt” fellow fans, even after witnessing a particularly exciting “flea flicker” or “Hail Mary.”

Less knowledgeable fans may avoid mockery and possible stiff arms by refraining from asking such questions as, “What’s a punt?” “Why is that man touching that other man’s butt?” or “Which one’s New England?”

If you should suffer a dislocated jaw while wolfing down fistfuls of orange “snack” substances, simply motion for a teammate to snap the mandible back into place – and resume eating. (For best results, do not consume more than three 128-ounce bags of Zesty Chipotle Jalapeno Doritos before halftime.)

Prediction: Brady kicks ass!

— John Breneman

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