Aaahh, Portsmouth. It’s summertime and the streets are buzzing with what old-timers used to call the birds and the bees — young people of all ages out looking for fun, flirtation, maybe even a hint of romance.
This spirited sea of humanity ebbs and flows over our fine restaurants and riverfront watering holes, where savory five-star aromas mingle with the salty sea air to create an atmospheric aphrodisiac. Add generous portions of alcohol — swirl in hormones, pheromones, cellphones — and you have the recipe for a potent cocktail.
Yes, I am joking around here. But now that I’m single, I enjoy dabbling in the downtown nightlife. Opening myself to a broad spectrum of human experience — from optimism and excitement, surprise and enchantment, to exhilaration, fear of rejection and, of course, actual rejection.
Caution: Like the swift river currents in the mighty Piscataqua, navigating these waters can also be challenging. So I also took the liberty of starting an imaginary new project that is part dating service, part personal ads. And already the online profiles and personals are pouring in. Here are just a few:
* * *
Single white single guy, seeking any single girl who will talk to me for more than 3.7 minutes. Wish I could tell you how pretty your eyes are but I’ve only had seven vodka tonics. OK, bye. Turn-ons: Nice smiles. Turn-offs: Awkward grimaces.
* * *
Sincere single girl seeking mature, compassionate young man who truly understands how to treat a woman. Just kidding! How about an emotionally stunted man-boy who can’t stop talking about his Jet-Ski? Turn-ons: Unicorns. Turn-offs: Corn-cob pipes.
* * *
Divorced male, 14 kids, unemployed, bad back, on probation, seeking buxom hellcat to help polish my ankle bracelet and manage my scratch-ticket portfolio. Don’t judge me by my Charles Manson tattoo. Friends say I have a winning personality. Turn-ons: Schlitz Malt Liquor. Turn-offs: Sleeves.
* * *
Chain-smoking single mom with major heart problems seeks nicotine-loving 35yo male who looks at least 20 years older. Join me for very short walks on the beach as we find love while flicking cigarette butts into the sand. Turn-ons: Raspy voices. Turn-offs: Nagging doctors.
* * *
Me Tarzan. You Jane. It’s a jungle out there, so let’s meet for some monkey business at the Green Monkey. If there’s a connection I’ll show you my collection of leopard-skin loincloths. Turn-ons: Pina coladas. Turn-offs: Global warming.
* * *
Blunt, classy woman who loves having adult conversations about (bleep), (expletive) and (censored). Seeking a sophisticated gentleman who won’t be intimated when I talk about (expletive), (censored) and (bleep). Turn-ons: (Censored). Turn-offs: (Bleep).
* * *
Single pale Puritan seeking a chaste, loyal, sturdy woman to bear and rear 15-18 children. Must have quiet disposition, Popeye-like forearms and healthy team of oxen. Turn-ons: Straw hats. Turn-offs: Gasoline-powered contraptions.
* * *
35yo female gun enthusiast seeking heavily armed, camouflage-clad militia type who won’t be afraid to Stand Your Ground when Obama’s jack-booted goons come for our firearms. Someone who likes canoodling at the target range and romantic pillow talk about the Second Amendment. Turn-ons: Guns as a metaphor for sex. Turn-offs: Firing blanks.
* * *
Shallow middle-aged phony seeking hot blonde mistress to take my mind off rapidly aging trophy wife. Perfectly proportioned 21yo model type preferred. Must enjoy meaningless encounters based on mutual exploitation. Turn-ons: Talking like Thurston Howell III. Turn-offs: Authenticity.
* * *
Single orange female seeking illiterate steroid-pumped goon to help cover those hard-to-reach areas with my spray-on tan. Must enjoy tequila jello shots, projectile vomiting and long walks on the Jersey Shore. Turn-ons: Reality TV. Turn-offs: Books.
* * *
Tall, dark and satirical. Charismatic creative artist seeks heart-stoppingly gorgeous financial services professional who enjoys riverfront dining and quoting obscure “Napoleon Dynamite” passages. Turn-ons: Illegal ninja moves from the government. Turn-offs: Ponzi schemes.
* * *
Single wide 500-pound morbidly obese hag seeking cute Justin Timberlake type for eternal unconditional love and/or casual sex. Let me rock your world while causing seismic geological tremors throughout a half-mile radius. Turn-ons: Lobster bibs. Turn-offs: Salad.
* * *
Boy seeks girl for friendship, romantic intrigue and infinite possibilities. Must love puppies and hate political gridlock. Turn-ons: Tugboats and seahorses. Additional turn-ons: Picnics, firewater and spontaneous laughter.
— John Breneman