Scott Brown is a jackass 99% of the time

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By John Breneman

PORTSMOUTH, N.H – Scott Brown stopped by my town Friday night and reportedly told the awesome Leftist Marching Band, “you suck.”

This confirms what anyone who doesn’t want a shallow, Koch Brother-funded carpetbagger to represent New Hampshire in the U.S. Senate already knows.

Scott Brown is an A-hole 99% of the time.

In case you haven’t heard, 99% of his message is this: “Jeanne Shaheen voted with Obama 99% of the time.” During their “debates,” he uttered this phrase an estimated 99 times.

A genuine Mass-hole who recently moved to New Hampshire to try to weasel his way back into the Senate, Brown is a vapid male model who once posed nude in Cosmopolitan and is now posing as an independent-minded politician.

This means Shaheen – whose Granite State political roots include three terms as governor prior to her 2008 election to the Senate – is not dealing with just any carpetbagger.

To paraphrase the esteemed political pundit Austin Powers: Brown is “a shagadelic carpetbagger, baby!”

He even inspired a “Saturday Night Live” skit about how sexy he is (with “Mad Man” stud Jon Hamm playing Scott Brown).

A one-time Republican rising star who famously won “Ted Kennedy’s seat” in a 2010 special election before losing his job to Elizabeth Warren – Brown has treated N.H. voters to a series of vintage gaffes.

“Live Free AND Die,” Brown says in one video clip, butchering his new home state’s signature motto, “Live Free or Die” – words that underscore New Hampshire’s reputation for having a skeptical, independent-minded, politically savvy electorate.

Perhaps he was tired from his whirlwind move from Wrentham to Rye, but he’s also on video telling a reporter he believes Granite State Republicans are thankful for his efforts to “raise awareness as to the issues that are affecting people not only here in Massachusetts, uh, in New Hampshire …”

Brown is also eager to convince us New Hampshire will be under siege from ISIS and Ebola any day now if we don’t elect him to protect us.

But for a politician, the man is not very good at answering questions. When asked by The Associated Press whether his Bay State baggage might be a problem for Granite State voters, he actually responded, “Do I have the best credentials? Probably not. Cause, you know, whatever.”

In his 2012 Senate loss in Massachusetts, Brown challenged Warren, and she agreed, to take a “People’s Pledge” promising to limit the outsized, some say insidious, influence of corporate cash that has transformed modern-day politics.

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When Shaheen challenged him take the same pledge in 2014 – stop the presses – he declined. In the old days that was called flip-flopping. As in, he was for limiting the influence of deep-pocketed special interests launching attack ads before he was against it.

Meanwhile, all evidence suggests Scott Brown will represent the Wall Street, Big Oil, “corporations are people” crowd 99% of the time.

But for me, perhaps the biggest question about Scott Brown – the shady, shagadelic carpetbagger from Massachusetts – is this.

How did he get those chiseled, super PAC abs?

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John Breneman is the author of “Downsized! How I Got Laid Off After 30 Years in Newspapers and Turned My Funniest Sunday Advice Columns Into a Blockbuster E-book.”