Professor O’Blarney on Saint Patrick’s Day

Mar 17, 2018

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Noted St. Patrick’s Day advice columnist Professor O’Blarney debunks the myth that you can get leprosy from a leprechaun.

To help explore the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day, today we check in with the legendary Irish advice columnist Professor O’Blarney.

The professor — whose credentials include a Ph.D. in limericks from the University of Sligo and a master’s in shillelagh studies from Tipperary State — has generously agreed to answer a few questions from readers.

The author of “Romancing the Blarney Stone” and “Meet Me at Maguire’s,” he was recently honored by the Fitzgerald Foundation for his groundbreaking best-seller “Leprechauns: Friend or Foe?”

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Dear Professor O’Blarney —

What’s the deal with leprechauns? My buddy says they can grant three wishes and possibly even hook you up with a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

But another friend said something really scary about them and I need to know the truth.

Can you get leprosy from a leprechaun?

— Jimbo Rodriguez
Boise, Idaho

Dear Jimbo —

I am very glad you asked this question because it affords me an opportunity to debunk a scurrilous myth that has unfairly tarnished the reputation of the leprechaun community.

While it is true they are mischievous, shoe-making little imps fond of sporting red beards and green knickers, they generally do not — repeat DO NOT — prance about, over hill and dale, giving people leprosy.

You might be thinking of gnomes.

One caveat, however. If the leprechaun in question suffers from leprosy, stay the heck away from the little devil.
Also, if you are lucky enough to see a wee leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, you may wish to reconsider that ninth Guinness.

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Dear Professor O’Blarney —

It seems like St. Patrick’s Day is all about wearing something green and going out and getting gassed on Guinness, smashed on Smithwick’s or hammered on Harp, maybe even jacked up on Jameson’s.

Nothing wrong with that. But surely this special day means something more substantive than just an annual excuse for drunken debauchery.

— Bud Miller
Milwaukee

amish-kiss-me700Dear Bud —

You are correct that the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day often gets lost amid the O’Bacchanalian orgy of alcohol consumption — with people getting blotto on Bushmills, crocked on Kilkenny and messed up on Murphy’s Irish Stout.

And while it is certainly an excellent opportunity to get plastered on Paddy’s and tuned up on Tullamore Dew, there was an actual Saint Patrick.

Born near the end of the fourth century A.D. in Scotland, he was reportedly captured by pirates and brought to Ireland as a teenager. He must have been an incredible person because after he died he came to be regarded as Ireland’s patron saint.

However, some experts say he didn’t drink much and therefore has never been considered very interesting to modern-day celebrants of the day that honors his name.

Little is known about how St. Patrick’s Day became associated with gobbling down corned beef, potatoes and cabbage, or why millions seize the opportunity to get three sheets to the wind on three or more three-fingered servings of fine Irish whiskey.

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Dear Professor O’Blarney —

My friends want me to join them in celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. But this will be my first time.

Is St. Patrick’s Day the one where you give out beads and people take their clothes off?

— Satoshi Nakamoto
Tokyo

Dear Satoshi —

Yes and no. While the scenario you describe definitely can and probably will happen on St. Patrick’s Day, the tradition you are describing is more commonly associated with Mardi Gras.

You will be relieved to know that Irish culture is known for being friendly and welcoming, peppered with fun slogans like “Erin go bragh” and “Kiss me, I’m Irish.”

Popular conversation topics include what drinks to order, celebratory toasts and what drinks to order next.

Other good topics include leprechauns, of course, shamrocks, banshees and Liam Neeson movies.

Hopefully your first booze-fueled “wearing o’ the green” will not lead to “losing o’ the lunch.”

Perhaps the most important St. Patrick’s Day slogan is one to share with friends who may be considering driving after the madcap celebration: “Please don’t let the road rise to meet you in this condition.”

One final note: May the luck of the Irish be with you!

— John Breneman
(Twitter: @MrBreneman)