Romney rebuts robot allegations



By John Breneman

Mitt Romney pulled the plug on a third presidential run today, dogged by past allegations that he is, in fact, a robotic humanoid with Teflon hair manufactured in China by the Koch brothers.

According to top-secret documents:

The strapping, anatomically correct Romney is a plastic political opportunist molded from space-age polymers and comprised of high-tech conservative circuitry, starch, kevlar, whole milk, gold bullion and slippery silicon gel.

The Romney is programmed to diffuse its awkwardness around humans by emitting knee-slapping “Who let the dogs out” jokes with perfect timing and offering a “$10,000 bet” to anyone who claims he is a robot.

romney-robot1Equipped with infrared sensors to calculate the height of all trees within a one-mile radius, the Romney is perhaps best known for losing to President Obama in 2012 despite a can’t-miss campaign platform built on saying that corporations are human beings, that “I like being able to fire people” and that 47 percent of the nation’s people are incorrigible moochers.

The former Massachusetts governator – who as a Senate candidate in 1994 boasted that he would be a stronger advocate for gay rights than his opponent, Ted Kennedy, and who once assured voters “you will not see me wavering” on his pro-choice stance – possesses a synthetic political conscience that gives him a superhuman ability to “flip-flop.”

When contacted by Triple Action News, a Romney aide/technician insisted that the candidate is at least 47 percent human before launching into a lengthy speech on why an individual health care mandate is OK in Romneycare but unconstitutional in Obamacare.

Robot rebuts Romney allegations

In a related story, a spokesman for artificial life forms today denied rumors that Mitt Romney is a robot.

Tobor Megatron said that despite their lack of a soul or human consciousness, most robots have a good deal more compassion for poor people than Romney does.

Also noting that most robots possess a better intuitive understanding of the concept of humor and how to interact with people than the GOP automaton, Megatron adamantly rejected any connection whatsoever between Mitt Romney and the robot community.


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One Response to “Romney rebuts robot allegations”

  1. HillaryBot says:

    Romney is indeed a a robotic humanoid with Teflon hair manufactured in China by the Koch brothers.

    I should know, I was there when they made him because they made us both at the same time.

    HillaryBot for pResident 2016!

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