‘Robot’ Romney mulls 2016 run


Already dogged by past allegations that he is a robotic humanoid with Teflon hair made in China by the Koch brothers, Mitt Romney is emitting fresh signals that he is booting up for a 2016 presidential bid.

Perhaps best known for his futuristic, sci-fi belief that corporations are, in fact, human beings, Romney lost to President Obama in 2012 despite his bold assertion that 47 percent of the nation’s people are incorrigible moochers.

Critics have long contended that the strapping, alleged cyborg is a plastic political opportunist whose “face” is molded from a top-secret, space-age polymer.

But a Romney aide/technician insisted that the candidate is at least 47 percent human – the rest comprised of high-tech conservative circuitry, starch, kevlar, whole milk, gold bullion and slippery silicon gel.

Romney’s state-of-the-art synthetic political conscience enables the candidate to “keep a straight face” while switching from pro-choice to pro-life, or when pretending that an individual health care mandate is OK in Romneycare but unconstitutional in Obamacare.

(This Concord Monitor editorial on Romney helps explain what a true “phony” he is.)

Robot rebuts Romney allegations

In a related story, a spokesman for artificial life forms today denied rumors that Mitt Romney is a robot.

Tobor Megasmith said that despite their lack of a soul or human consciousness, most robots have a good deal more compassion for poor people than Romney does.

Also noting that most robots possess a better intuitive understanding of the concept of humor and how to interact with people than the GOP automaton, Megasmith adamantly rejected any connection whatsoever between Mitt Romney and the robot community.

— John Breneman