Rob Zombie not actual zombie, sources say

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Rock musician Rob Zombie, one of the nation’s best-known bogeymen and a role model for a generation of young mutants, is not an actual zombie, according to unconfirmed reports.

In fact, documents reveal that Zombie is not even Mr. Zombie’s real name. Born Robert Bartleh Cummings in Massachusetts, he is a 1983 graduate of Haverhill High School, where he was voted “Most Likely to Devour the Flesh of a Rotting Human Corpse.”

Mr. Zombie, whose body of work includes such sensitive numbers as “Superbeast,” “The Devil’s Rejects” and “Scum of the Earth,” is considered a pioneer in the genre of satanic, sub-grunge anti-pop.

However, even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on people’s necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster-man wannabe.

Local 666, International Brotherhood of the Undead released a statement saying it became suspicious of Mr. Zombie when it learned he is only 41. Most zombies are anywhere from several hundred to a couple thousand years old. It also noted that Mr. Zombie is “a masterful self-promoter,” whereas most zombies avoid publicity like the morning sun.

— John Breneman


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