Questions on Obamacare? Ask Prof. Pillsworth

Better grab a fistful of aspirin, cause it’s headache time.

Republicans are extremely concerned because America is suffering from a wicked case of Obamacare. It’s only known cause is Obama. And there is no known cure.

Obamacare. A thing so evil it makes key Republicans want to shut down the entire government to try to kill it.

Obamacare. A new study shows it can paralyze central government functions and cause otherwise marginally sane human beings to completely lose their minds.

Obamacare. The Republicans tried to save us — heroically voting 41 times to repeal it. And they’ve worked extra, extra hard to make sure nothing good happens in America until Obamacare is eradicated once and for all.

Nevertheless, Obamacare digs its toxic tentacles in deeper this week as its dreaded online health care marketplaces go live on Tuesday.

This means millions of people who previously had no health insurance will be able to purchase policies, often with federal subsidies depending on their income. So you can see why it is vitally important for right-wing media and politicians to spread misinformation about Obamacare to poison public opinion against this malignant blotch on the American scene.

However, there is at least one thing Republicans and Democrats can agree upon. Obamacare does raise a bundle of questions.

For example, what is the estimated subsidy for a family of 18 making less than 11 percent of the federal poverty level?

And what will the Bronze Plan charge me for that combination sex change, double bypass, hip replacement I’m gonna need next month?

Yes, health care in America can be a complex and confounding topic (X-rays reveal countless gray areas).

But today we are fortunate to tap the expertise of the noted health care advice columnist Professor Pillsworth, who has generously agreed to answer questions from readers.

* * *

Dear Professor Pillsworth —

What is this Obamacare I keep hearing such horrible things about? And who does this Obama character think he is?

— Granny

Dear Granny —

Obamacare is the colloquial or slang name for the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, whose stated purpose is to “increase the number of Americans covered by health insurance and decrease the cost of health care.” Coverage options range from Bronze to Silver to Gold to Platinum. Though some say a Tin plan may be offered for the worst of the “takers” and a Titanium one for top-tier “makers.”

To answer part two of your question, this Barack Obama character apparently believes he is the president of the United States. Guy doesn’t even seem to understand that all of his good intentions about helping America are doomed by the fact that he’s a lanky, light-brown lightning rod for all sorts of weird hatred and political and social dysfunction.

* * *

Dear Professor Pillsworth —

I’m pretty sure I have gout, whatever that is, psoriasis and adult onset something or other. I also suffer the misfortune of being physically hideous. I don’t have insurance cause I can’t hold a job due to my quadruple carpal tunnel. What should I do?

— Pat from Portsmouth

Dear Pat —

Definitely go online to the Obamacare site at www.healthcare.gov. There a smiling lady will offer to answer all your questions and explain your options. Meanwhile, if your condition persists, try a new conditioner.

* * *

Dear Professor Pillsworth —

I am plagued by a rare condition that causes me to hibernate through the winter. Will this be covered? And, can my policy be pro-rated so I’m not charged for the 3-4 months that I am sound asleep in my makeshift lair?

— Rip V. from Dover

Dear Rip —

Definitely go online to www.healthcare.gov. There a smiling lady will offer all the information currently available (none) on your pathetic situation. Next.

Hey Pillsworth —

Listen, I’m a big Fox News watcher, so I know that Obama is a communist, fascist, racist, elitist, egotist, czarist, Muslim extremist, radical Islamist, militant leftist, socialist, anti-socialist, anarchist, Leninist, Stalinist, Marxist, Maoist, Hitlerist, pro-abortionist, teleprompter ventriloquist who pals around with terrorists.

And I don’t like him ramming health care down my throat. I prefer to have it administered intravenously or even …; never mind. So my question is, what’s the deal with this “individual mandate”?

— Bud

Dear Bud —

The individual mandate basically means that if you don’t obtain health insurance, you may be assessed a modest fine that would be used to cover a small portion of the health services used by people like yourself.

It was actually a very popular Republican idea until Obama used it to try to get the GOP onboard with health care reform. Soon after, Republicans declared it was unconstitutional.

* * *

Dear Professor Pillsworth —

Why is it nearly every other country in the industrialized world is able to provide health care for all, often for half of what we shell out here in America?

— Big Bill from Berwick

Dear Bill —

We’re not too bright. Simple fact is, the rest of the world is smart enough to do it far cheaper than we are. Some say TV and junk food are to blame. But I say it’s greed and stupidity that leave us forever at the mercy of the health care/industrial complex.

— John Breneman

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