Palin book pitch

EDITOR’S NOTE: In the summer of 2010, when Sarah Palin was at the pinnacle of her popularity, some of my Palin satire drew the attention of a book packager who proposed that I write a Palin humor book timed to coincide with the Nov. 23 release of Sarah’s latest: “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.”

Perhaps due to bias in the elite, liberal publishing industry, the book did not sell. Below is the 2010 pitch for my Palin parody book.

I. SUMMARY

This parody of Sarah Palin’s forthcoming book is a sharp, satiric look at the fascinating political, media, fashion, social-networking, cash-minting phenomenon that is Sarah Palin – through the eyes of America’s leading self-appointed Palintologist.

Its snarky, “cerebral slapstick” narrative explores Palin’s meteoric rise with chapters on her status as a business tycoon, media empress, social-networking goddess, political carnivore, Tea Party superstar, oratorical virtuoso, tabloid supermodel, bestselling author and possible 2012 commander in chief.

Each page is turbocharged with sidebars – punchy Palin soundbites and short-attention-span Palinalia ranging from Test Your Sarah IQ trivia nuggets to comical Hearts and Bull’s-Eyes (likes and dislikes) and quotable Palinisms, both real and embellished. Also, Sarah horoscopes and Palin-approved baby names.

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Fact: The Sarah Palin industry is one of the fastest-growing segments of the U.S. economy. This book aims to carve out a big, juicy chunk of that home-baked Alaska apple pie!

Love or hate her, adore or abhor her, worship her in-your-face family values or loathe her with every fiber of your being … whether she sends a tingle up your spine or the taste of your last meal up your esophagus (OK, you get the idea) the lady moves books!

Now it is our satiric, civic duty to craft the perfect parody to complement (and ride the financial coattails of) her new book, I mean automatic bestseller. “America by Heart,” due out Nov. 23, is Palin’s $25.99 “tribute to American values” – featuring a mix of essays, fun lists, recipes and love poems to Ronald Reagan.

(Sources say it is actually the next in a series of 60 or 70 Palin books, with likely future themes to include wizards, zombies, polar bears and left-wing vampires.)

So whether you find her Alaska drawl melodious or odious, whether you’re just wild about Sarah or deeply tormented by the Wasilla Wonder – this is a parody for Palinistas of all political persuasions, genders and ethnicities, from right-wing goons to left-wing loons.

A book that both honors and embellishes Sarah Palin’s extraordinary, uniquely American journey – from her early days as a B-movie idol (wait, that was Reagan), from Miss Alaska second runner-up to her lipstick-on-a-pitbull, Cinderella-hockey-mom dash for D.C. glory.

palin-nat-geo-lgSarah has generously educated us about the “real America.” In this parody we return the favor by lovingly teaching millions of readers about the “real Sarah.” (Few know she can slaughter a herd of caribou with just her bare hands and those razor-sharp, pearly-white teeth.)

And just wait’ll you hear about all the swell new projects we’ve learned Sarah’s got up her sleeve!

Our crack team of investigative satirists has “obtained” exclusive documents for the book – a conserv-a-licious inside look that is part parody bio, part Palinomic analysis and part Audubon-style field guide to understanding Palin the political animal (species Palinus Politicus).

We provide fresh satiric analysis of how – despite quitting her job as Alaska governor and transferring power to Tina Fey that in fishy, salmon-swimming-upstream-of-consciousness resignation speech – her approval rating among her base still hovers at around 103%.

And we break exclusive new theories on why Sarah Barracuda is so fascinating – and polarizing – to real Americans everywhere. Why our irrepressible Caribou Barbie is a spunky, pro-life Mary Tyler Moore to millions and a white-trash White House wannabe to millions more.

Sure, she’s gorgeous. But she also combines fearless obliviousness about being in way over her head with an icy cold, Alaska toughness – exuding a sense that if you cross her, she’d be equally comfortable gutting you with an icicle or just shootin’ you in the face, Cheney-style.

So, welcome to Sarah Palin country – aka “real America.” A land where a politically green, ex-beauty queen from the Great White North can take the Grand Old Party by storm – strutting, waving and winking her way down Main Street toward 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Then parlay her newfound fame into fortune as visionary CEO of the multimillion-dollar, multimedia conglomerate Sarah Palin Inc.

What’s next for the Foxy Newsmaker? Smart money says her dual roles as blockbuster author and game-changing political force will crash together in mid-November – when the promotional push behind “America by Heart” will also feature (hello, Cute Rockne!) a real-American run for the White House.

Fortunately, we’re here to help you make sense of it all, with our fair and balanced Palinist Manifesto. The timing for such a book is as red-hot as those 6-inch pumps Sarah wowed ’em with from Wasilla to Washington.

So brew up a cup of your favorite tea (or a mug of regular Joe), sit back and enjoy. But be forewarned: Clinical studies show that our heroine is highly addictive. And the only cure is laughter.

II. AUTHOR BIO

One of the nation’s foremost Palintologists, John Breneman has enjoyed a quarter-century career as a card-carrying member of the lamestream media.

A newspaperman since 1984 and currently an editor at the Boston Herald, John founded the HumorGazette.com in 2003 as an outlet for his sharp satire on politics, pop culture and the media.

A long-ago winner of New England Press Association “Humor Columnist of the Year” honors, John is a dedicated news satirist who is proud to infuse his work with a journalistic sensibility.

III. TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Going Vogue

2. Barracuda, Inc.

3. Foxy Newsmaker

4. Tweet Nothings

5. Palin in 2012? You betcha!

6. Read My Liptons

7. Reagan Tourette’s

8. The Missing Wink

9. I don’t know … but Alaska

10. Lemon Pledge of Allegiance

11. Regular Joes

12. Palinus Politicus

13. Sarah A to Z

14. Quittin’ time

15. Talkin’ turkey

16. Last Frontier: Alaska 101

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Chapter 1. Going Vogue

Wow! It’s been a wild two years since we first met Sarah Palin – the spunky, lunch-bucket, maverick, moose-carvin’, Putin-huntin’, political pitbull hockey mom America never knew it was waiting for.

We recap her rise from a humble log cabin in Kentucky (wait no, that was Abe Lincoln), her inspiring journey from Wasilla to Washington through the prism of her international bestseller “Going Rogue” – a book in which Palin talks so much about God “opening doors” for her, she makes Him sound a bit like her butler.

This chapter includes a revisionist look at her bio – and reveals juicy, never-before-reported details from her first book, like the hidden right-wing messages embedded in the text (“The Barack-alypse is nigh”).

We also wax comedic about Palin’s feud with the author (Joe McGinniss) who moved next door to write about her – a situation that symbolizes the walking, babbling contradiction that is Sarah (she blasts him on Facebook, accusing him of being a stalker intent on peeping into Piper’s window, then posts a paparazzi-style picture of him on his porch, for millions to see).

And we sift through “Rogue” for clues about her new book. No one knows exactly what to expect from “America by Heart,” but one thing is certain – it will be a bestseller. Odds are it will also touch off a fresh epidemic of Palin Derangement Syndrome.

Chapter 2. Barracuda, Inc.

Here, we conduct a thorough Palinomic analysis (micro and macro) of Sarah’s actual projects (Fox News, the Discovery Channel documentary on Alaska, book deals, lucrative speaking engagements) and break exclusive satire about fake Palin deals now in the works (pay-per-view pro wrestling cameo, sassy workout DVDs, action figures and bobble-head dolls, endorsement deals for guns, flags, tea, hockey pucks, pitbulls, lipstick, etc.).

palin-pistol1Also, visit our Sarah Palin gift shop, where we mock the nonstop pitchman aspect of such right-wing TV/radio moguls as Limbaugh and O’Reilly, and Beck with his gold scam. (Aunt Gertrude will love this pearl-handled Sarah Palin pistol – perfect for warding off those jack-booted death-panel goons!).

Now that the ex-gov’s GDP exceeds that of most small- to medium-sized countries, readers will be riveted by a tongue-in-cheek analysis of the political/media conglomerate that is Sarah Palin Inc. No one beats CEO Sarah at using “family values” shtick to boost her family’s net value.

Chapter 3. Foxy Newsmaker

This chapter examines Palin’s bizarre, tumultuous relationship with the folks she calls the “lamestream media” – mining the rich comic possibilities of a heavyweight presidential contender (and self-described former journalist) who completely misunderstands the role of a free press in a functioning democracy.

We’ll review some of her golden “Gotcha” moments – and offer satiric praise for how homespun Sarah spins her lack or knowledge into an angry indictment of the elite, liberal media. Harking back to the infamous Katie Couric interview, we offer a humorous “reading list” of books and periodicals Sarah looks at to stay informed.

Palin believes that it’s patriotic to accuse Obama “palling around with terrorists,” but that when someone criticizes what she says, they are violating her constitutional right to free speech. Call it her twisted Last Frontier take on the First Amendment. In short, poor Sarah withers without the media spotlight, but cries Wolf Blitzer when people point out that she’s full of moose droppings.

Chapter 4. Tweet Nothings

Fortunately (for a public figure so obsessed with controlling the message), her meteoric rise to national prominence parallels the explosion of social networking, another realm in which Sarah Palin is way ahead of the curve.

Boasting 1.6 million friends and fans, she’s at the cutting edge of using Facebook as a political weapon. And though with a relatively modest 160,000 followers she lags far behind the Hollywood Twitterati (think Britney, Ashton and Kim Kardashian), her every Tweet is red meat for one camp or another.

Beyond that, she is among the most ubiquitous entities on the World Wide Web. Search “Sarah Palin” on Google and get 15 million results. Same search on YouTube turns up 86,000-plus videos (you’ll find fake Sarah sex tapes, real-time footage of some of her best-loved word puzzles, an animated appearance on “The $800 Billion Pyramid” game show, Hitler ranting about her resignation and comedy icon Betty White on late-night TV calling her “one crazy bitch.”)

This section surveys Palin’s pervasive presence in the electronic media.

Finally, to illustrate how social networking is perfect for her soundbite-style intellect, we dumb down her compelling life story into a 140-character Tweet.

Chapter 5. Palin in 2012? You betcha!

Will she or won’t she? Only her image stylist knows for sure.

Palin industry insiders predict this shrewd politician will piggyback her presidential announcement with the launch of her patriotic new book – creating a Palinesque perfect storm that could crest into a full-blown lamestream media tsunami.

Others theorize she will do the presidential thingy as a Pay-Per-View special or perhaps book the Louisiana Superdome. But only we have obtained the satiric rough draft of Palin’s 2012 presidential campaign strategy blueprint! It features catchy slogans, ideas for attack ads and a short list of possible running mates (hint: Joe the Plumber, Mitt the Robot, Glenn the Rodeo Clown).

Some say she’s too risky for the Republicans to nominate (polls show most voters oppose her call for the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman). But most agree she would be a sexy, high-heeled shoo-in for the Tea Party nomination.

Chapter 6. Read My Liptons

This section focuses on the emergence of the Tea Party and Palin’s status as its unofficial Glock-packin’ rock star – a conservative darling for the Darjeeling crowd and an idol to real Americans everywhere.

At last, there is a political movement to champion the peoples’ right to hate the president, make veiled threats involving firearms and wave grade-school protest signs riddled with typos. It’s been oolong time coming.

Citing real and fictional examples, we examine the pitfalls for Palin of endorsing fellow Tea Party whackjobs. We catch readers up on recent developments: rapper Ice-T and 1980s action hero Mr. T’s rumored involvement in a new Hollywood chapter, and word of a crunchy left-wing offshoot called the Organic Loose-Leaf Herbal Tea Party.

And we go undercover to infiltrate militant sub-strains of the Tea Party, such as the Earl Grey Panthers and the Orange Pekoe Jihad.

Chapter 7. Reagan Tourette’s

This chapter explores Palin’s status as a virtuoso of the oratorical arts. A little Reagan trickles down into the speeches of all Republican politicians, but Palin drops so many oratorical Dutch treats it seems she’s bucking to be the GOP’s new Cute Rockne.

reagan-obamacareThe first Gipper genuflection in “Going Rogue” appears on Page 3, and you can bet your jelly bean jar “America by Heart” will be chock full of sweet Reagan nuggets.

In the spirit of the Lewis Black’s brilliant “Daily Show” clip revealing that Glenn Beck has “Nazi Tourette’s,” comes this diagnosis of Palin suffering from early-onset Reagan Tourette’s. (Among her efforts to appear Reaganesque, Palin issued a Tweet calling on the repressive government of communist China to “tear down that wall.”)

We also examine her many other speech impediments, including a verbal tic that inhibits her ability to speak the truth and her tendency to reel off random strings of words like an ill-prepared student looking to stretch a half page of Wikipedia notes into a 20-page report.

Chapter 8. The Missing Wink

In the summer of 2008, something was missing from the American political scene. But it wasn’t until Sept. 3 when John McCain busted out his stunning new running mate at the GOP Convention in Minnesota that we learned what it was – a sassy high-stickin’ hockey mom, slamming Obama into the boards with a twinkle in her eye. A month later, she either won or lost a vice presidential debate by a wink.

In this section examining Palin’s deployment of potent feminine charm as a political weapon of mass destruction, we follow a new lead in her Fashion-Gate scandal and salute her for introducing the term “Naughty Monkey pumps” to the American political lexicon.

What real American could resist Sarah’s Farrah-like ability to wow ’em with a hairstyle? And those glasses. Can you spell sexy schoolteacher? Much fun to be had spoofing the Meow Factor.

Also, as part of a tongue-in-cheek recap of her beauty pageant career, we examine her qualifications for the prestigious titles of Miss Communication, Miss Informed and Miss Anti-America.

palin-advice-smChapter 9. I don’t know … but Alaska

Imagine. What if Rupert Murdoch hired Sarah Palin as an advice columnist for his newspaper empire? In this section, readers write in with questions and Sarah does her best Dear Abby.

Dear Sarah,

I campaigned hard to obtain a really important and challenging job, but now I’m bored with it because I unexpectedly got famous and have a chance to make a lot more money doing other, easier stuff. Thing is, a whole bunch of people put their faith and trust in me, so I’d kind of be letting them down. What should I do?
– Star Struck

Dear Star Struck,

Quit, baby, quit. Caring about folks who put their faith in you is sweet, but frankly a little naïve. My motto is: You gotta grab all the gold and glory you can while the grabbin’ is good.

If the responsibilities of your job are holding you back, point your Christian Louboutins toward the door and start walkin, girlfriend. Like I always say, no harm in burnin’ a Bridge to Nowhere!

Dear Sarah,

I just shot a liberal congressman in my district. You know, one of those jerks who you marked with a bull’s-eye on your Web site, but I just checked the Web site and it didn’t specify what I was supposed to do with the body. Now I’m in prison. What do you advise? – Red-State Whackjob

(To read her response, buy our hot new Sarah Palin parody today!!)

Chapter 10. Lemon Pledge of Allegiance

The Associated Press reports that “America by Heart” will be a “tribute to American values” – a loose collection of texts (“great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies”) that have moved the author.

The “list of Sarah’s favorite things” format offers rich potential for parody. Does this mean she’ll reflect on how Ronald Reagan’s conservative ideals were so poignantly expressed in the American cinematic classic “Bedtime for Bonzo”? Or that she’ll reveal her favorite statue is the Statue of Liberty?

The book is also said to include some of her own writings about people who have inspired her. One such real American role model could be Glenn Beck:

“I thought I had some stones when I accused Obama of “palling around with terrorists.” You know, really advancing the time-honored cause of right-wing political slime tactics. But then Glenn came along with his doggone ‘Obama’s a racist’ routine. Said the president has a ‘deep-seated hatred of white people.’ Wow! He inspired me by demonstrating that in 21st century American political discourse, facts are obsolete and the issues at stake are too important to be bound by traditional thresholds of decency.”

Chapter 11. Regular Joes

If there’s one thing Sarah Palin knows, it’s that real America loves its regular Joes. And of course the most famous regular Joe of all is Joe the Plumber – who became a fixture on the campaign trail as John McCain’s favorite metaphor for pandering to the middle class.

Still mulling a run for Congress, turns out he’s flush with success – with a ridiculous book available on Amazon.com, TV appearances on “Extreme Home Makeover: Bathroom Edition” and “America’s Next Top Plumber,” and a political sitcom in development with Will Smith called “Flush Prince of Bill Ayers.” He’s also thinking of actually getting his plumber’s license.

But Samuel J. Wurzelbacher isn’t the only regular Joe who has inspired Sarah in her travels. She’s met hard-workin’ Joes workin hard to avoid being just another Joe Blow – like good old Joe Six-Pack, Joe Lunch-Bucket and Joe the Wall Street A-Hole. She’s also inspired by stories of real American regular Joes in Arizona dropping dimes on Jose the Illegal Immigrant.

Finally, a special “America by Heart” salute to Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina, who during President Obama’s Sept. 9, 2009, health-care address before a joint session of Congress yelled out: “You lie!”

You turned a joint session of Congress into Animal House of Representatives, blurting out “death panel” while pretending to cough into your hands. Way to go, Joe!

This section also explores Sarah’s tendency to bypass substance in favor of buzzwords and hokey rhetoric. After all, she is quite the maverick.

Chapter 12. Palinus Politicus

An Audubon-style field guide to understanding Palin the political animal from a zoo-illogical perspective.

“Palinus Politicus (species: anti-homo sapiens) is a fierce, cold-blooded carnivore often mocked in the political jungle for stalking as prey the swifter, nimbler, more intelligent Kenyan Obama.”

Chapter 13. Sarah A to Z

Sarah has fun with the alphabet. (Her dad was a schoolteacher, y’know. And she believes: “The children are our most important resources, even more important than oil.” Each letter represents a term from the Palin glossary (and comes with a hand-written observation from Sarah).

Example:

D is for Death panel (Can ya believe it?)

H is for Hopey-changey (Mockin’ the president is fun!)

L is for Lamestream media (Gee, I still love that joke…)

Chapter 14. Quittin’ Time

Never doubt that Sarah Palin is full of surprises. Here, we provide fresh satiric analysis of how – despite abandoning her job as Alaska governor and transferring power to Tina Fey that in fishy, salmon-swimming-upstream-of-consciousness resignation speech – her approval rating among her base still hovers at around 103%.

This chapter also features a “Sarah-Gate” recap of her rap sheet of ethics woes (state trooper-gate, etc.), along with tongue-in-cheek “reporting” on humorous lesser-known ethical complaints.

Chapter 15. Talkin’ turkey

Ah, nothin’ like a hillbilly jammin’ live gobblers into a grinding contraption as the perfect backdrop for a gubernatorial turkey-pardoning photo-op.

As “America by Heart” is slated to drop two days before Thanksgiving, readers might enjoy some Turkey Day tomfoolery. After all, Palin herself said at the November 2008 event in Wasilla where she rambled on about whatever while Joe the Turkey Decapitator did his fowl work: “You need a little levity in this job.”

This section could include a fictional account of a similar holiday mishap involving Santa Claus. Also a fictional, bountiful Thanksgiving menu featuring a mouth-watering array of Alaska’s finest fish and wildlife – some off it picked off from a black Palin Inc. helicopter.

Chapter 16.  Last Frontier: Alaska 101

When Sarah Palin was fending off Katie Couric’s “gotcha” question about what she likes to read, she felt compelled to remind Katie that “Alaska isn’t a foreign country” (playing her favorite “real America looked down upon by the elite East Coast liberal” card).

Why, even President Obama knows that Alaska is one of the 57 states. However, many Americans are ignorant of the Igloo State. Therefore we offer a quick lesson to get Palin enthusiasts (and Ivy League douchebags) up to speed.

For example: It may come as a surprise to elite East Coast poindexters, but not all Alaskans are alcoholic hicks subsisting on federal entitlements and trying to stave off foreclosure of their tar-paper ice shanties. In fact, parts of the state are connected to the Internet by a series of tubes and pipelines.

Finally, we wrap up with what I learned about Sarah during my (fictional) whirlwind six-day stay in Wasilla, just down the street from the Palins.

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SIDEBARS (throughout the text)

As mentioned in the summary, each chapter is turbocharged with sidebars – punchy Palin soundbites ranging from Test Your Sarah IQ trivia to comical Hearts and Bull’s-Eyes (likes and dislikes), Did You Knows and She Said Its. Also, Sarah horoscopes and Palin-approved baby names.

Test your Palin IQ

(Warning: Curriculum not approved by those Texas schoolbook whackjobs)

* Palin once gave birth to an alien space baby, as reported in the National Enquirer and repeated on 17,426 blogs. (FALSE)

* Sarah suffers from an underdeveloped sense of fact vs. fiction (TRUE)

* Todd has a top-secret secession scheme to make Alaska an oil-rich sovereign nation with guess who as king and queen (PROBABLY FALSE)

* One thing about being governor that Palin will miss is the ability to fire high-ranking state officials for refusing to help her get revenge (TRUE)

palin-baby-names1Palin-Approved Baby Names

Sometimes while she’s whipping up some bald eagle chili or getting duped on the phone by a radio DJ pretending to be Nicolas Sarkozy, Sarah likes to doodle baby names for her future grandchildren.

We invite readers to spruce up their own family nomenclature by mulling Palin-approved monikers for their next little Trig or Piper – offering such Palin-inspired favorites as Drill, Bullet, Slug, Tank, Plank, Hunter, Dutch, Bonzo, Spawn, Buck and Cash.

Sarah Horoscopes

Palin astrological forecasts for every chapter:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Don’t let criticism by elite, liberal rivals dampen your enthusiasm for inaccuracy. Boost your self-confidence by lashing out about something you don’t understand. Avoid facts.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Maximizing tomorrow’s revenue potential is more important than fulfilling yesterday’s commitments. Never let a dead-end job stand in the way of financial opportunity. Showcase your assets.

Surreal Real Quotes

There is comic gold in printing – verbatim – some of her more convoluted locutions. We offer select passages (“such as the Iraq such as”) from her brimming war chest of Republic-Zen riddles. From “palling around with terrorists” to “Putin rears his head” … she’s got a million of ’em!

Palin-isms

Embellished words and wisdom of Sarah Palin (sporadic, satiric quotes attributed to this distinguished verbal mangler). Bless her, Sarah sometimes has trouble articulating her beliefs. Not hard to imagine her saying: “I believe in the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun.”

Caribou Haiku

Sarah’s stream-of-consciousness speaking style has inspired media critics and poets alike. It fact, she is an unwitting haiku savant – we are not the first practitioners of  this ancient Japanese art to find her rhetoric rhapsodic.

Example:

Mocking Obama

helps foster democracy

in real America.

Hearts ’n’ Bull’s-eyes

Her new book “America by Heart” reportedly will be chock-full of stuff Sarah likes. We expand on that theme – recognizing that people are even more interested in stuff Sarah hates.

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