OBITUARIES:
Osama bin Laden — long considered the world’s biggest asshole — died suddenly today.
He was 54.
The world’s second-biggest asshole, Donald Trump,
said he was honored to assume the title, as the Internet exploded with reports of Trump demanding to see bin Laden’s death certificate.
U.S. forces raided bin Laden’s swanky Pakistan hideout, where the cowardly terror kingpin was identified by facial recognition — immediately followed by facial receiving of American bullets, bitch.
His identity was confirmed by fingerprints, DNA and the “Martyrs Do it in the Afterlife” tattoo on his left bicep.
Also killed in the U.S. offensive, bin Laden’s turban stylist, his longtime manicurist and his beloved hamster, Mr. Nibbles.
Born in into a wealthy family in Saudi Arabia, bin Laden is remembered as an academic prodigy at the elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor, “By the time Osama reached sixth grade he was already hating America at a ninth-grade level.”
A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists Local 666, bin Laden rose to prominence as host of the popular Saudi game show “Who Wants to Murder an Infidel.”
Long criticized for perverting the peaceful Muslim religion, bin Laden reportedly spent two hours a day praying for a bowel movement and another three hours playing Sudoku. In his spare time he enjoyed needlepoint, watching “Jersey Shore” reruns and picking dung beetles out of his mangy beard
Widely credited with brainwashing even more gullible morons than Glenn Beck, he also enjoyed plotting the destruction of humanity and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow. Other hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy, homemade videotapes and spending “quiet time” with his donkeys.
Friends say he will be remembered as a role model for dimwitted young psychopaths.
“He never met a non-Muslim he didn’t hate,” said Ayman “Al” Zawahiri, a colleague and possible successor. “And he never let respect for human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology.”
Experts say bin Laden’s loss will be strongly felt in Islamist terror circles, as the Internet crackles with chatter about who’ll take his place as catcher on the al-Qaeda softball team.
Services will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Bin Laden’s name to the Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.
— John Breneman
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