42 thoughts about lists

Jun 30, 2015

jb-col-artWelcome to the Information Age, aka the Internet Age — where the information on the Internet is served up in bite-sized nuggets with provocatively formulaic headlines for you to click on.

Yes, along with countless modern advancements, efficiencies and pleasures, few could deny that the Digital Revolution has also given rise to the Golden Age of Lists.

In fact, a recent survey revealed that “lists” now make up somewhere between 11 and 85 percent of all “content” on the Internet. You literally can’t miss this tsunami of lists:

7 Baby Elephant Videos That’ll Make You Want to Be a Better Person.

15 Signs Your Cat May Be Obsessed with Kim Kardashian.

11 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life (No. 9: Jalapeno what?!?).

Why lists?

Leading Internet experts theorize that we humans have evolved shorter spans to help us cope with the extraordinary amount of useful and useless information that now bombards our brains nearly every minute of every day.

Never in the history of human consciousness has there been so much information chopped up and dished out in lists.

10 Top Ways to Reduce Your Carbon Fingerprint.

14 Ancient Cultures That Worshipped Chrysanthemums.

8 Hilarious Videos of Morons Getting Roughed Up by Wild Animals.

To advance my understanding of this super-hot Internet trend of presenting everything in lists, I started making a list of these lists.

18 Signs That You’re a Child Trapped in a Grown-Up’s Body.

54 Outrageous Facts About the Sex Lives of Animals.

21 Reasons Plants Are More Pleasant Than People.

And then things got a little out of control.

Afflicted as I am with adult onset satire, my mind began to involuntarily churn out pretend list headlines that struck me as comical for one reason or another.

101 Dalmations Frolicking With Hot Firefighters.

8 Signs That God Doesn’t Give a Crap About You.

55 Fast-food “Miracles” That Look Like Historical Figures (No. 4: That Marilyn Monroe Extra Crispy Tender will change the way you look at fried chicken!).

So I apologize if at any point it becomes difficult to distinguish which of the following “headlines” are real:

17 Signs Your Obsession With Ellen DeGeneres May Be a Problem.

29 Incredibly Badass Shark Tattoos Every Girl Would Want.

16 Stunningly Obvious Facts That Are So True It Hurts.

And which are merely inspired by reality:

9 Amazing Cats and Their 81 Extraordinary Lives

25 Classic Novels to Definitely See the Movie Version Of.

14 Unexpected Side Effects of Being an A-Hole (No. 11: High cholesterol).

These lists run the gamut from entertainment and politics to food and sex and back again:

These 6 Simple Poached Egg Recipes Will Add 7 Years to Your Life.

45 Ways President Obama is Just Like Hitler.

18 Hollywood Train Wrecks Who Delight Us With Their Self-Destructive Ways.

And self-improvement is an extremely popular topic:

13 Beauty Treatments Guaranteed to Leave Your Face Looking Fabulous Long After the Rest of Your Body is Dead.

8 Great Ideas to Mask Your Most Debilitating Insecurities.

12 Ways to Shed Unwanted Belly Fat, Boost Your Self-Esteem and Maybe Even Get Laid.

But still, why lists?

As a headline writer myself, it seems counterintuitive to employ a formula in which the critical first word, in this case a number, does nothing to advance the reader’s understanding of or interest in the “content,” but instead merely quantifies it.

However, the numerical introduction does serve to identify the associated content as a list — a package of information far less taxing to consume than, say, a cogent analysis of how the paralytic dysfunction in Washington enriches corporate America while fleecing her citizens.

For some reason, Internet trend shapers believe an in-depth treatise on the Israeli-Palestinian crisis is somehow less appealing than … 12 Shocking Facts About the Israeli-Palestinian Crisis!

The bottom line is something the SEO boys (the search engine optimization optimizers) call “clickbait.”

The idea is that if the average Internet user is presented with a mouth-watering morsel of “bait,” he or she will “click” on it — thus earning another fraction of a penny for some rich guy.

7 Things Butterflies Can Teach Us About the Nature of Human Existence.

15 of Khloe Kardashian’s Favorite Mojito Recipes.

9 Signs You May Have Ebola (Take this simple quiz and find out which disease you might die from: I got monkey pox!)

Internet entrepreneurs far and wide are itching to get your “eyeballs” onto their content.

In fact, if you would sign a contract agreeing to click at least five times on a link that said, “15 Century-Old Japanese Women Who Look Like a Young Mick Jagger,” I guarantee there is a guy in Bangalore or East Guangzhou who will find the photos, assemble the package and post it online before you can say “19 Pickup Lines That Will Only Work in Western Poland.”

And who could resist the new trend of using the phrase “you’ll never believe what happens next” to introduce video clips. For example: 3 Babies Got Hold of a Machine Gun, a Briefcase Full of Cash and a ’68 Firebird; You’ll Never Believe What Happens Next.

Facebook, obviously, is peppered with tantalizing and ridiculous 24s, 5s and sweet 17s.

One real one from yesterday morning (17 Cats Whose Love Lives Are a Complete Cat-astrophe) also fulfilled the unwritten law that at least 19 percent of all Internet content must have some connection to cats.

Facebook, Buzzfeed, Huffington Post and many more are also handy sources for such gems as:

6 Things Kittens Do That Humans Would Be Arrested For.

11 Little-Known Facts about Kim Kardashian’s Buttocks (No. 5: Its Twitter account has how many followers?)

8 Pizza Toppings That Will … Enhance Your Enjoyment of a Papa John’s Pizza (sorry, there’s a lot of ads mixed in with this junk).

A site called Listverse has cornered the market on 10-item lists. Here are five of their (actual) hottest 10s:

10 Of The Creepiest Things Superheroes Have Done.

10 Disgusting Materials Used For Great Innovations.

10 Burning Facts About the Ku Klux Klan.

10 Reasons To Chop Off Your Fingers.

10 Titillating Facts About Nipples.

And a site called Mental Floss strives for a more brainy approach:

50 Words That Sound Dirty But Actually Aren’t.

11 Imagination-Jarring Tips From Creative Geniuses.

30 of the Best Parents in Literature.

It could be more fulfilling, some might say, to read a book or go to a play. But then you would miss the chance to click on headlines like:

11 Hints That You Should Have Stayed in Bed This Morning.

24 Things About Women’s Inner Thighs That All Men Need To Know.

5 Amazing Videos of Pets Saving Children from Dogs (No. 3: Wow, never seen a parakeet with that combination of speed, intensity and razor-sharp claws).

Sure, you could go for a walk and soak in the wonder of the actual living world around you, but:

11 Drawings by Lithuanian Orphans That Will Blow Your Mind, Snap Your Heart in Two and Compel You to Weep Like a Baby.

7 Pictures of Katy Perry in a Colorful Wig.

15 Things Maggots Can Teach Us About the Nutritional Value of Rotting Human Flesh!

And I suppose you could have a meaningful conversation with someone you care about, but then you might miss:

21 Signs That Members of the Opposite Sex Find You Repulsive.

60 Billion Pictures of Cute Cats with Funny Captions to Help Take the Sting Out of the World Being So Messed Up.

76 Trombone Mishaps That Will Leave You Chortling.

As we wrap up today’s thought-provoking and ground-breaking communiqué on the phenomenon of lists, please remember to share this item on social media if you like sex, cute animals or food.

And don’t forget to buy my new worst-seller “99 Things You Shouldn’t Let a Baby Swallow.”

— John Breneman

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