New York Jock Exchange

jock-exchange2One of this week’s most interesting news stories involved San Francisco 49ers tight end Vernon Davis — who struck a deal with a financial company to publicly trade himself like a stock.

Under the reported terms of the agreement, San Francisco-based Fantex Inc. will pay Davis $4 million in return for 10 percent of his future earnings.

According to the Associated Press, Fantex plans to conduct an initial public offering of stock (Wall Street wheeler-dealers call this an IPO) after getting regulatory approval from the Securities and Exchange Commission, selling some 421,100 shares of stock at $10 apiece.

Naturally, this does raise unusual questions about whether investors acting on knowledge about the health of Mr. Davis’ groin or hamstrings could be accused of insider trading.

However, my belief is that other athletes are bound to strike similar deals. (Consider, for example, big-time college football and basketball stars, “amateurs” who are currently prohibited from earning a penny while the NCAA, their schools and the TV networks reap fortunes from their exploits).

So in order to cash in on this lucrative new economic opportunity, today I am establishing the New York Jock Exchange.

I will only take a nominal fee for each transaction.

Meanwhile, since my work administering the newly emerging “jock market” is certain to enhance my potential for future revenue, I will also be orchestrating an IPO for yours truly.

The terms have yet to be determined, but a cool million or two will buy you 10 percent of my future earnings.

At only 52 years of age, I am in terrific health (knock wood) and suffer no apparent diseases or disabilities. Plus, my brain regularly functions at roughly 9 percent of its full capacity, which I am told is slightly above the median average for human beings in the industrialized world.

In addition to my admittedly tenuous income as a 30-year newspaper professional in the age of digital media, the deal will cover any revenue I should earn from my upcoming jury duty, from my many inventions (including the Kim Kardashian-inspired miracle sex pill Fornica), from my side business selling lobster-scented soaps and hand creams to wealthy widows in Eastern Europe, or by optioning my smash musical screenplay about the life and times of Danny DeVito.

Stay tuned for future details about this once-in-my-lifetime investment opportunity.

— John Breneman


Share
In other financial news:
E-Trade baby busted in insider trading scandal

Uncertainty surrounding Godzilla causes havoc on Wall Street

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *