Hacker who stole nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton revealed to have world’s smallest penis

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Photographs obtained from the computer of a hacker who stole and then posted nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and other female celebrities reveal that the hacker possesses what appears to be the smallest penis in the history of mankind.

Meanwhile, some theorize that the scandalous theft of private images is actually the work of a ring of hackers, each with extraordinarily tiny genitalia.

Sources say the size of the hacker or hackers’ nearly nonexistent tallywhackers helps explain why someone possessing such a high level of technological skill would use it to crudely violate women’s privacy.

One leading Internet psychologist suggested that the mosquito-dicked individual or individuals responsible are likely wracked with despair that their mini-manhood will never grow larger that that of, say, the rare dwarf pygmy weasel.

Such individuals, who may have endured cruel taunts about the size of their one-eyed trouser filament, often believe the only way they can have contact with women is by worming into their computers and peeping at their private property.

Forensic analysis of the photograph of the lead hacker’s micro-schlong reveals that its size is somewhere between that of a poorly endowed hummingbird fetus and a prepubescent paramecium.

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