Holiday safety tips

gingerbreadChristmastime is fun, right?

Donning our gay apparel and pigging out on figgy pudding. Cruising all over the place in a one-horse open sleigh.

But along with the joy, medical professionals warn, the holidays may also be hazardous to your health.

Myrrh: The Silent Killer

Overindulgence is a major Christmas peril, as we feast and feast again with family and friends. More ham? Another leg of lamb? Maybe just one more dollop of Granny’s caramelized butternut squash? There’s not enough food on your plate. Better Santa size it!

Cookies and cakes for dessert? Please pass the custard. How about a couple more eggnogs?

For every fun activity there is a corresponding hazard — from falling off the ladder while trimming the tree to a painful sledding injury called tobogganer’s knee.

It’ll be getting super slippery out there. Jack Frost will be nipping at your nose and other extremities. And don’t get me started on icicles.

Why, you can even pull a hammy trying to keep the turtle doves and the partridges out of the pear tree.

Bottom line: You better watch out. And you better heed the following holiday safety tips. Or yule be sorry.

— First up, candles. There is nothing more beautiful than a Christmas evergreen trimmed with flaming candles. But (life expectancy before total immolation: 5 to 7 minutes; odds of entire house being destroyed, too: 68 percent) experts agree it is probably not wise to utilize fire as a Christmas decoration.

— An electric carving knife is not a toy and should never be used to rip through ribbons and wrapping paper to get at those presents.

— Cornucopias: Do not eat these. You don’t know where that nasty-looking basket has been. Plus, that one gourd is still flecked with dirt. (Related note: Uncle George swears the plural is “cornucopii.”)

— Nutcracker: Sounds dangerous, but probably isn’t if used as intended. (Sometimes it’s just fun to say nutcracker.)

— If a large, bearded man clad in red gains entrance to your home through the chimney, hold your fire until you can ascertain whether or not he is “the real Santa Claus.”

— Sucking down more than three 10-ounce glasses of spiked eggnog may inhibit your ability to operate heavy machinery.

— Setting foot in a mall greatly increases your risk of being crushed and/or trampled by unruly mobs of “holiday shoppers.” (See related story: “Three slain in Walmart Xbox incident.”)

— Mincemeat is an excellent source of riboflavin.

— Failure to be “nice” during the year may reduce the quantity of material possessions you are eligible to receive later this month.

— Consuming three or more gooey marshmallow treats greatly reduces your risk of being afflicted with SDD (Sugar Deficit Disorder).

— “Popping” holiday bubble wrap can provide hours of fun for all ages, but it can also kill a baby.

— Never attempt to “catch” a gingerbread man, especially if it is running … running … as fast as it can. (See related story: “Three killed in high-speed gingerbread man chase.”)

— Eating too much foodstuff described as “yummy” can cause problems in your “tummy.”

— John Breneman


Share

3 Responses to “Holiday safety tips”

  1. wayne says:

    I’m just going to chalk up that comment about “material positions” as a Freudian slip. Regardless, may all your positions be merry and bright this holiday season.

  2. Ross says:

    Uncle George’s Latin is a bit off. It’s cornucopiae, being feminine in gender. And what’s with “corun…”? Uncle John’s typing?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *