Your Holiday Horoscope
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Consult key family members before spending 30 percent of your net worth on “holiday bargains.” Good day to fill your spiritual void with ribbon candy. Tis the season for identity theft.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh could exacerbate an old injury. Beware Jack Frost nipping at your wallet. Myrrh may be hazardous to your health.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
If the weather outside is frightful, sitting by an indoor fire may prove delightful. However, shouting “Ho, ho, ho!” could spoil an intimate moment. Don’t lose your mittens.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Making an obscene gesture in a crowded mall parking lot could lead to an unwanted gunshot wound. Reassess your holiday preparedness with special focus on yuletide logistics. Avoid chimneys.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Temporarily suppressing your fears about man’s inherent capacity for evil helps make the holidays more joyful. Avoid truthfulness when talking to young children about Santa Claus. Have another eggnog.
Aries (March 21-April 19):
Wise bargain hunters may find five golden rings for the price of four. Buying a Red Ryder BB gun helps ease your emotional pain. Be joyful and triumphant at dusk.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
It’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with a loved one. But be sure to exercise caution when traveling over the river and through the woods. Too much mulled cider may cause visions of sugar plums.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
An unexpected moment of serenity is dashed by a TV commercial imploring you to buy a piccolo. Don’t let reason cloud your judgment on matters involving elves. Stock up on frankincense
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Don’t let a loved one’s hints about “the perfect gift” distract you from getting him or her a Walmart certificate. Limit contact with acquaintances who say they will be there “with bells on.” Be good for goodness sake.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Beware unrealistic promises made by an obese bearded man wearing red. Paying more than $99 for a candy cane could prove fiscally unsound. Lift your spirits by donning some gay apparel.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Opt for a mundane evening at home over a three-state shopping spree. Good night to nestle the children all snug in their beds. Keep tinsel out of the reach of infants.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Question the motives of anyone sporting a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. A quiet evening with a corn-cob pipe could bring revelations. Sleep in heavenly peace.