Could be just my imagination — a possible bipolar hallucination — but it seems like as I get older, winter keeps getting colder.
Single-digit temperatures. The ever-present fear of frozen pipes, frostbite and flu. Wild wind-chill factors whipping raw ice molecules right up into your bones.
(Winter Survival Tip No. 1: If your fingers get frostbite, single-digit temps may cause multiple-digit losses.)
Sorry, but the term “Today’s high: 3” has lost its wintery charm. Sometimes I just want to tell Mother Nature to take this weather and shovel it.
I know I’m supposed to be a hearty New Englander and all that, but dang — the bitterest days are brutal enough to make a body want to just curl up and hibernate.
Though it is more customarily associated with larger mammals such as bears, this time-honored winter survival technique is actually gaining popularity in the human demographic.
Yes, I am talking about literally lowering my heart rate to a couple of beats per minute, reducing the functions of my vital organs and all internal metabolic processes to the absolute minimum, thus entering a sleep-like state in which I will conserve energy while power-napping all the way until, say, late March.
Sound like a good idea?
Not only will you peacefully snooze through nasty nor’easters, blizzards and polar vortexes, your slumber will also provide refuge from any and all political upheaval — including but not limited to fiscal cliffs and filibusters, debt ceiling debacles and full-on government shutdowns.
It’s a winter win-win. You’re saving on food and fuel costs while getting some much-needed beauty sleep to boot. Plus, the best part — before tucking yourself in at hibernation time, it is imperative that you build up your internal reservoirs of carbohydrates and body fat by chowing down like mad on all your favorite junk foods.
(Winter Survival Tip No. 2: When hibernating, don’t forget to also lower your libido to .10 or less; common rookie mistake.)
True, I may already be unwittingly suffering the debilitating effects of frostbrain, but it seems to me that extreme frigidity calls for extreme creativity — a little thinking outside the icebox.
(Winter Survival Tip No. 3: Icicles greater than 3 feet long may present a heightened risk of unexpected impalement.)
With recent forecasts calling for three to four small icebergs to slam into the coast of Portsmouth this week, here are some ways to keep your mind from freezing and your soul from seizing up.
Take up knitting: The sooner you master this snuggly meditative art form, the sooner you’ll be blasting out woolly protective gear with at least a vague resemblance to sweaters, caps and mittens.
Go on a trip (also known as “Get the frost out of here”): Sudan, Algeria and Libya are said to be among the world’s hottest countries.
Certain amenities may be lacking, but for those looking to tan themselves terminal in triple-digit temps, the Sahara Desert is said to be “in” this winter.
Write the Great American novel: I just started a whole bunch of ’em. So far my favorites are “Catch Minus-22,” “Fahrenheit 4” and “One Flew Over the Penguin’s Nest.”
— John Breneman
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