Did you know that people who consume 50 milligrams of cornpone each day are 32 percent less likely to suffer from rickets, gangrene or curvature of the liver?
No? That’s because it can be hard to separate fact from myth in modern medicine.
Should you take one aspirin a day to ward off lockjaw, scarlet fever and unmitigated gallstones?
Hard to say. Maybe a fistful of vitamins to combat vertigo, clubfoot and cerebral hemorrhoids.
I feel fortunate to be in pretty good health for my age (sophisticated carbon-dating technology confirms I was born just over a half-century ago).
Nevertheless, seems like every day the medical-industrial complex releases new reports about stuff that can kill us — or at least cause a 24 percent greater risk of mumps, whooping cough and fudgesicle-cell anemia.
So this week I went to the doctor for my checkup. Across the awesome Memorial Bridge to the new York Hospital in Kittery. Not naming names (Fred), but my awesome doctor has the idea that your quality of life (physical, social, spiritual) is somehow tied in with your overall physical health.
We talked about blurry eyes. A bum foot. A little bit of heart trouble (the romantic variety, thank goodness, not the coronary kind).
Of course, I also wanted to have him check me out for anything caused by a deer tick or a mosquito. Plus, Pox News said we’re due for new batches of bird flu, mad cow and monkey pox.
And since my company just got sold/purchased, I wanted to make sure I was still covered for varicose brain, adult onset celibacy and post-traumatic soiled pants syndrome.
In fact, there are so many hazards, real and imagined (the surgeon general just issued warnings about Cap’n Crunch, New Mexican chinchilla meat and most oxygen), that I’m surprised more of us don’t come down with hypochondria.
So for all the hypochondriacs and undiagnosed future hypochondriacs out there, here’s a horoscope to help guide you through your most important health care decisions.
Like, should you drink one or more classes of wine at lunch to ward off early afternoon alcoholism?
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VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A new prescription could brighten and/or darken your day. Check your pulse regularly to make sure your heart is still beating. Unexplained feelings of happiness could signify a brain tumor.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Fears of cerebral hemorrhage disrupt focus on an important project. A romantic encounter could bring contact with unwanted organisms. Your white blood cell count may feel low today.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Repeated breathing increases your vulnerability to air-borne viruses. A friendly co-worker comments on your haggard appearance. Beware of getting rabies from a neighbor’s puppy.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): An invigorating workout could cause a ruptured spleen. Heed new warnings about the dangers of gout. Believing you may be terminally ill adds purpose to your life.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A potential romantic partner is turned off by your fear of gangrene. Reject assertions that your spina bifida is psychosomatic. A migraine intensifies your perpetual misery.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): An extravagant birthday dinner decreases your life expectancy. Romance may aggravate a dormant heart murmur. Respiratory failure brings shortness of breath.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Unexpected palpitations add excitement to your day. A possible blood clot hampers your concentration at work. But a punctured eardrum heightens your other senses. Avoid shingles.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): A loved one fails to understand that a wayward eyelash has nearly caused irreparable damage to your retina. Treat yourself to an extra dose of Excedrin tonight. Repel bacteria.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Marauding germs are out to get you. An aggressive micro-organism introduces itself to your autoimmune system at lunch. A mysterious white pill could bring mild euphoria.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A belligerent pharmacist questions your need for laudanum. An unforeseen aneurysm interrupts plans for a quiet evening at home. Beware accidental dismemberment.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Experts recommend limiting the amount of e. coli in your balanced diet. An intimate conversation reminds you of a throat culture. Organize your personal effects today.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A cocktail with a friend may lead to curvature of the liver. Dreams involving a swollen lymph node could suggest a paranoid obsession with nonexistent ailments. Seek a second opinion.