What’s that, chum? Father’s Day kind of snuck up on you again. Well, no need to panic. Heartfelt gifts for Dad can be found just about anywhere — from Walmart to the corner Pump ‘n’ Pay. These last-second surprises are sure to let Dad know exactly how much you care:
Tube socks: Dad’ll feel like a million bucks in these buck-ninety-nine ($1.99) beauties — each emblazoned with the three horizontal “racing stripes” that say “he’s the man.”
Tie: Wait’ll the boys at the office get a load of Dad in this swell corporate-looking necktie — fashioned from durable, non-flame-retardant polyester.
Coffee mug: His eyes’ll twinkle like they did on the day you were born when he sees this one-of-a-kind “World’s Greatest Dad” mug.
Pack of smokes: This one’s a no-brainer if Pop’s a smoker. Sure they’re unhealthy; but hey, who cares what that bossy Surgeon General says. Dad’ll love how the intoxicating blend of tar and nicotine makes him feel manly and super cool.
Slippers: Comfort is important to hard-working dads in their leisure time and these lightweight Taiwanese “mock-asins” are perfect for kicking back in the La-Z-Boy. (Newspaper not included.)
Can of mixed nuts: These generic morsels pack a party in every can. Coupled with a Post-It note reading “I’m nuts about Dad,” this item helps you express the true meaning of Father’s Day.
Roll of duct tape: Perfect for household projects or Homeland Security preparedness, this space-age super-product will help Dad feel like the ultimate handy man.
Greeting card: Though it actually requires some thought, devoted offspring often like to compose a personalized message for Dad on his special day (example: “You’re a champ, Pops!”), while creative types may add a “heart” symbol to underscore their affection.
Lighter: Give Dad the ability to make fire with just the flick of his thumb. He’ll be so grateful, he’ll bust out the T-bones and fire up the grill — instant barbecue!
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Of course, I am kidding — just having a little fun with the idea that dumb Father’s Day gifts are one of those oddball American traditions.
Here’s a piece I did years ago about my dad, Ernie:
Dad’s advice to son was ‘write stuff’
I did this one for the Boston Herald back in 2008:
Extreme Father’s Day Makeovers