Economic horoscope

cash-stackJust when you thought the economy had begun to rebound from the Great Meltdown of 2008, my assets were totally frozen this week. Plus, my sure-fire bid to become a millionaire fell through when those jerk-knobs at the lottery stiffed me. Again.

Are better economic times just around the corner? Or should I consider laying off one or two of my dogs? No mortal person can answer questions such as these. So today, we’ve consulted legendary economic/astrological advice columnist The Great Depress-O.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Your broker urges you to stock up on Ramen noodles. Consider starting a Ponzi pyramid to pay your overdue electric bill. Red is the new black.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) — You possess very limited intellectual capital. But don’t let the ever-present threat of economic annihilation affect your consumer confidence. A financial adviser urges you to seek fiscal therapy.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) — Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Seek out fun new places to hide from your creditors. An attractive colleague inquires about your debt-equity ratio. Cover your assets.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) — A candid financial discussion could lead to involuntary moaning and blubbering. Domestic animals question your ability to continue feeding them. Utilize scissors to clip coupons.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) — Ease your stress level by declaring complete financial, emotional and intellectual bankruptcy. A beguiling stranger advises you to stay out of Dumpsters today. Avoid unemployment.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) — A romantic encounter is out of the question for 18 months. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama Celeste pizza. Let your financial limitations guide your heart.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) — Good fortune is not in the cards today, so reconsider spending more than $50 on lottery scratch tickets. To relieve monthly mortgage stress, live in your car. Poverty looms.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Diversify your portfolio at dusk, when the numbers are hardest to see. To save big bucks, simply get rid of your television, phone and Internet service. Shop generic.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) — A cost-benefit analysis reveals no reason to get out of bed this morning. Patching your debt ceiling can wait. Treat yourself to some extra-strength Tylenol this evening.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Encouraging news is probably inaccurate. Join an expensive health club and make a religious habit of never going there. Windfall profits are not on the horizon.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — Don’t be disappointed if a loved one rejects your stimulus package. Slamming your hand in a car door could ease your emotional pain. To enhance your liquidity, drink more alcohol.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Follow your instincts on matters involving e-mails from Nigeria offering untold riches. A bank statement causes you to reassess your self-worth. You will find a copper coin under a cushion today.

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