Palin Christmas book

Now that we are rolling into November, with Thanksgiving and Christmas just weeks away, I thought I’d wish everybody a warm and heartfelt “Happy Holidays!” Wait sorry, hope I didn’t offend you with that statement. I just remembered that when it gets cold outside, that’s when America’s annual War on Christmas heats up. And War on Christmas lovers have much to rejoice this holiday, I mean Christmas, season. That’s because Sarah Palin’s got a new book in which she blasts away at the godless “Happy Holidays” crowd and urges us to “ignore the politically correct Scrooges who would rather take Christ out of Christmas.” So rest easy, Jesus, Sarah’s got your back. Her new book — hailed by some as “the Bible of all War on Christmas manuals” — is titled “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas.” Living up there near the North Pole, the former Alaska governor knows how much Santa hates it when people say “Happy Holidays.” It’s like he dies a little bit inside every time. Interesting that she also laments the commercialized aspects of Christmas in a book intended to get those cash register bells jingling this holiday, I mean Christmas, shopping season. But, hey, the manger is in danger and Sarah is sounding the alarm. For, as I reported last year at this time, the Christmas haters are surely stocking their arsenals with crude homemade tannen-bombs and Intercontinental Ballistic Mistletoe. And Sarah is boldly drawing a line in the snow. If you detect a pinch of mockery in the words above, congratulations! You’re now in the running for a chance to win an all-expenses-paid reindeer sleigh ride from Wasilla, Alaska, to Vladimir Putin’s house just across the Bering Strait. Really...

Palin book pitch

EDITOR’S NOTE: In the summer of 2010, when Sarah Palin was at the pinnacle of her popularity, some of my Palin satire drew the attention of a book packager who proposed that I write a Palin humor book timed to coincide with the Nov. 23 release of Sarah’s latest: “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.” Perhaps due to bias in the elite, liberal publishing industry, the book did not sell. Below is the 2010 pitch for my Palin parody book. I. SUMMARY This parody of Sarah Palin’s forthcoming book is a sharp, satiric look at the fascinating political, media, fashion, social-networking, cash-minting phenomenon that is Sarah Palin – through the eyes of America’s leading self-appointed Palintologist. Its snarky, “cerebral slapstick” narrative explores Palin’s meteoric rise with chapters on her status as a business tycoon, media empress, social-networking goddess, political carnivore, Tea Party superstar, oratorical virtuoso, tabloid supermodel, bestselling author and possible 2012 commander in chief. Each page is turbocharged with sidebars – punchy Palin soundbites and short-attention-span Palinalia ranging from Test Your Sarah IQ trivia nuggets to comical Hearts and Bull’s-Eyes (likes and dislikes) and quotable Palinisms, both real and embellished. Also, Sarah horoscopes and Palin-approved baby names. *  *  * Fact: The Sarah Palin industry is one of the fastest-growing segments of the U.S. economy. This book aims to carve out a big, juicy chunk of that home-baked Alaska apple pie! Love or hate her, adore or abhor her, worship her in-your-face family values or loathe her with every fiber of your being … whether she sends a tingle up your spine or the taste of your last meal up your esophagus (OK, you get the idea) the lady moves books! Now it is our...

Ch.4 Tweet nothings

Chapter 4. Tweet Nothings Boasting 1.6 million (oops, make that 1.7 million) friends and fans, Sarah Palin commands a passionate online army that hangs on her every word as she explores new ways to deploy Facebook as a political weapon. And though with a relatively modest 160,000 (oops, make that 175,000) followers she lags far behind the Hollywood Twitterati (think Britney, Ashton and Kim Kardashian), her every Tweet is red meat for one camp or another. Fortunately (for a public figure so obsessed with controlling the message), her meteoric rise to national prominence parallels the explosion of social networking, another realm in which Sarah Palin is way ahead of the curve. Beyond that, she is among the most ubiquitous entities on the World Wide Web. Search “Sarah Palin” on Google and get 15 million (oops, make that 17 million) results. Same search on YouTube turns up 86,000-plus (oops, make that 150,000-plus) videos. You’ll find fake Sarah sex tapes, real-time footage of some of her best-loved word puzzles, an animated appearance on “The $800 Billion Pyramid” game show, Hitler ranting about her resignation and comedy icon Betty White on late-night TV calling her “one crazy bitch.” And if you’re looking for a great deal on Sarah memorabilia, cyberspace is a bustling marketplace for Palin paraphernalia – with hundreds of trinkets and doodads moving like hotcakes at eBay and Amazon.com. *  *  * In-your-Facebook Yes, whether she’s scolding Obama, threatening to sue the media or literally targeting enemies with actual rifle sights, Sarah Palin is revolutionizing political communication with her unique brand of (anti)social networking. To her delight, Palin has discovered she can use Facebook and Twitter to bypass the media “filter” and deliver inaccurate, agenda-driven rhetoric directly to the people....

Ch.3 Barracuda Inc.

Chapter 3: Barracuda Inc. Fact: The Sarah Palin industry is the fastest-growing sector of the economy here in real America. This according to a special report in the Main Street Journal that hails the emerging mini-mogul as a one-woman economic stimulus package. By using her growing media and political influence to monetize family, faith and flag, it said, the hard-charging hockey mom has netted an incredibly profitable hat trick. “No one beats CEO Sarah at using ‘family values’ shtick to boost her family’s net value,” said The Journal, which dubbed her sprawling “only in America” political/infotainment empire Barracuda Inc. Once she ditched that drab, chump-change ($125K) Alaska desk job, she was free to pursue her longheld dream of exploiting the full revenue-generating power of family, faith and, of course, flag. And now that the almost-VP’s GDP exceeds that of most small- to medium-sized countries, it is our satiric, civic duty to conduct a thorough Palinomic analysis (micro and macro) of the woman who could become the first trillionaire president of the United States, when you factor in potential deals for reality TV shows, first-person shooter video games (“Gall of Duty” and “Reload!”) and endorsements for guns, drills, tea, flags, hockey pucks, lipstick and pitbulls. The lovable “Rogue” raked in an estimated $7 million money bomb for her bestselling memoir. And “America by Heart,” a book of miscellaneous patriotica that Palin is calling a “tribute to American values,” was expected to break publishing industry records in the Political Opportunism genre. Then tack on several million more clams for her Discovery channel documentary “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” in which she’s paid to shoot a caribou and to refrain from shooting fellow reality TV drama queen Kate Gosselin. A spokesman said that if...

Ch.2: The Early Days

Chapter 2: The Early Days Much of what is known about Sarah Louise (Heath) Palin is revealed in her bestselling memoir “Going Rogue,” which details her remarkable rise from a humble log cabin in Kentucky (wait no, that was Abe Lincoln). Baby Sarah was born Feb. 11, 1964, in a nondescript manger in Sandpoint, Idaho, but moved to Alaska just six weeks later when her parents fled the Gem State to escape the ever-present threat of socialism. Sarah’s first word was either “moof” (moose) or “mavwick” (maverick) and she enjoyed, by most accounts, an idyllic Alaska upbringing — frolicking in her snowshoes with the Eskimo children, learning to catch salmon with her powerful jaws and mocking other children for exhibiting poor posture during the Pledge of Allegiance. Her parents Chuck and Sally also taught her to hunt and fish, and to appreciate the great outdoors. She gunned down her first moose at age 5 — reportedly shouting “Go ahead, make my day!” at the slow-footed behemoth before blasting it in the face. As she jokes in “Going Rogue,” she is fond of reminding outsiders that “there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals — right next to the mashed potatoes.” She also quips: “If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Click, click — boom! Friends reportedly rave about her recipe for Boneless Bald Eagle Tenders. *   *   * Palin’s suggestion that Alaska’s close proximity to Russia enhanced her understanding of foreign policy inspired some ribbing on the campaign trail. But from the time she was a toddler, little Sarah was fascinated by her next-door neighbor the Evil Empire. And as she grew older, she loved learning about the...

Ch.1 Going Vogue

Chapter 1. Going Vogue Wow! It’s been a wild two years since we first met Sarah Palin — the spunky, lunch-bucket, moose-carvin’, Putin-huntin’, political pitbull hockey mom America never knew it was waiting for. Desperate to juice up his flagging campaign against that whippersnapper Obama, John McCain — distinguished Vietnam War flying ace and self-described political maverick — went rogue. Or vogue. Or both. In a breathtaking act of political cunning, McCain busted out a stunning new running mate — the smart, beautiful governor of Alaska. A real American dreamboat who oozed patriotism and family values from every pore. America, meet Sarah! Flashbulbs poppin’ on the red, white and blue carpet. Oooh, did you know she was Miss Alaska second runner-up? Yes! Love how she tweaked Obama with that twinkle in her eye. Who is she wearing? Gov. Palin won rave reviews on opening night — Sept. 3, 2008 at the GOP convention in Minnesota. It was a thrill, baby, thrill! But when an elderly, cancer-surviving presidential candidate makes you his pick to run the country if he should die of a heart attack, ideological leprosy or unmitigated gallstones — the spotlight can get a little hot. Oops. Her daughter’s into teen pregnancy. Oops. She blanked when Katie asked what she reads to stay so misinformed. In debates and interviews, Palin’s winks and smiles made compelling video but the audio was often gibberish. Before you could say “You betcha!” it was hard to tell the difference between the real Sarah Palin and Tina Fey’s game-changing “Saturday Night Live” portrayal of her as a gorgeous igloo-ramus. Plus, while that hopey-changey Obama jerk was yapping about bringing everybody together, she was on him like a pit bull on baby seal —...

Sarah Palin book

In the summer of 2010, when Sarah Palin was at the pinnacle of her popularity, some of my Palin writings and videos drew the attention of a book packager who proposed that I write a Palin humor book timed to coincide with the Nov. 23 release of Sarah’s latest: “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.” Perhaps due to bias in the elite, liberal publishing industry, the book did not sell. Now that she is about to drop another book, Sarah has inspired me to showcase my unfinished blockbuster Sarah parody book: “(Real) America by Heart: Reflections on (Exploiting) Family, Faith and Flag (For Fun &...