Feb. 6: Babe Ruth

  Babe Ruth (1895-1948): baseball legend, first man to slug 60 home runs and chug 60 kegs of beer in a single season. Other Feb. 6 birthdays: Aaron Burr (1756-1836): former vice president best known for busting a fatal cap in Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton’s ass. Ronald Reagan (1911-2004): first U.S. president to make a movie with a chimpanzee, an animal with no evolutionary connection to humans whatsoever. This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1788, Massachusetts ratified the U.S. Constitution after first confirming that it was not crafted by witches. On this day in 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard temporarily disabled his lunar module by shanking a golf ball into its control...

Feb. 5: Hank Aaron

  Hammerin’ Hank Aaron, 81: first baseball Hall of Famer to be named after a carpenter’s tool; finished his career with a record 755 home runs instead of 900-something because he forgot to take steroids Other Feb. 5 birthdays: Jennifer Jason Leigh, 53: actress, starred as an anemic psycho in “Single White Blood Cell.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1631, Rhode Island founder Roger Williams landed in Boston where he was met by a gold-blazered real estate agent from Century 17. On this day in 1983, former Nazi Getapo official Klaus Barbie was brought to France to stand trial for suspected war crimes at Barbie’s Malibu Dream House. On this day in 1988, wrestler Andre the Giant beat Hulk Hogan after lifting him up by the nostrils, ripping off his face and punching his...

Feb. 4: Charles Lindbergh...

  Charles Lindbergh (1902-1974): legendary aviator, in 1927 became first pilot to fly solo over the Atlantic and boy were his arms tired. Other Feb. 4 birthdays: Betty Friedan (1921-2006): author and founder of NOW (National Orgasm for Women). Dan Quayle, 68: former dunce vice president, finished 12th in the Western Indiana Class 4 debating championship (Lightweight Division) in 1968. Alice Cooper, 67: rock star, hit the charts in 1971 with “I’m Eighteen,” did not hit the charts in 201 with “I’m 67.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1789, George Washington became the nation’s first president after earning four A’s and one B from the electoral college. On this day in 1974, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst and several rare felines were kidnapped by the Siamese Cat Liberation...

Feb. 3: Norman Rockwell

  Norman Rockwell (1894-1978): famed “Saturday Evening Post” artist, beat out Monet and Michelangelo for best painting ever of a boy getting a haircut while being licked by puppies. Other Feb. 3 birthdays: Dave Davies, 68: musician with The Kinks, hits include “Catch Me Now I’m Falling and I Can’t Get Up.” Morgan Fairchild, 65: actress, starred in the night-time soap opera “Dallas” and its X-rated spinoff “Phallus.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1913, federal income tax was authorized with the passage of constitutional Amendment 1040-EZ. On this day in 1930, extra-large ex-president William Howard Taft resigned as chief justice of the Supreme Court, saying he wanted to “spend more time with my George Foreman grill.”...

Feb. 2: George Halas

  George Halas (1895-1983): football pioneer, played the White Bear in the Lewis Carroll football classic “Halas in Wonderland,” only Bear ever to be named the MVP of the 1919 Rose Bowl and play for the New York Yankees (see video). Other Feb. 2 birthdays: Ayn Rand (1905-1982): writer, author of the dystopian, beer-drinking novel “Atlas Chugged.” James Joyce (1882-1941): Irish poet and novelist, author of “Finnegan’s Wake and Bake” and “Portrait of the Artist Formerly Known as Prince as a Young Man.” Farrah Fawcett (1947-2009): actress, starred as a fluffy-haired geometry enthusiast in the popular 1970s show “Charlie’s Angles. This Day in History: On this day in 1832, Congress officially created Groundhog Day after thousands of the nation’s woodchucks converged on Washington in the “Million Rodent March.” On this day in 1848, the war between America and Mexico ended with a treaty that ceded all existing Taco Bell franchises to the U.S....

Feb. 1: Clark Gable

  Clark Gable (1901-1960): actor, best known for his role as a dashing tracheotomy survivor in “Gone With the Windpipe.” Other Feb. 1 birthdays: Sherman Hemsley, 77: actor, starred as the wise-cracking illegitimate great, great grandson of Thomas Jefferson and his slave Sally Hemings in “The Jeffersons.” Lisa Marie Presley, 47: divorced Michael Jackson because he wanted her to father a set of androgynous albino quintuplets. This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1861, Texas voted to secede from the Union after them damn Yankees suggested there might be something wrong with owning human beings. On this day in 1960, four black college students staged a “sit-in” at a Woolworth’s lunch counter in North Carolina, where they’d been denied the right to consume rancid egg salad on rye....

Jan. 31: Jackie Robinson...

  Jackie Robinson (1919-1972), broke baseball’s color barrier in 1947; also broke lots of tackles as seen in this footage from his college football-playing days at UCLA. Other Jan. 31 birthdays: Carol Channing, 94: underwent multiple breast jobs to prepare for her role in “Hello, Dolly Parton!” Johnny Rotten, 59: played tenor saxophone for the legendary punk band the Sax Pistols. Justin Timberlake, 34: singer and former Mickey Mouse Club star, plans to wow fans with new single, “I’m Bringing Mousy Back This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1990, McDonald’s opened its first restaurant in Moscow, serving Caviar McNuggets and vodka-flavored milkshakes. On this day in 1928, inventor Richard Drew created Scotch tape during a weeklong scotch-drinking bender....

Jan. 30: Franklin D. Roosevelt...

  Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945): 32nd president, three-time White House wheelchair basketball champion. Other Jan. 30 birthdays: Gene Hackman, 85: actor, won Oscar playing a guy who got syphilis from a Parisian hooker in “The French Infection.” Vanessa Redgrave, 78: actress, earned Oscar nomination as a whiskey-swilling monarch in “Mary, Queen of Scotch.” Dick Cheney, 74: vice president, hobbies include running the world from an “undisclosed location.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1948, Mahatma Gandhi was assassinated by a Hindu extremist who believed grown men should not wear diapers in public. On this day in 1964, the U.S. launched Ranger 6, a rocket whose mission was to crash land on the moon, manned only by three of NASA’s top crash-test dummies. On this day in 1969, the Beatles performed on their studio rooftop; when police told them to stop and they refused, they were roughed up by Sgt....

Jan. 29: William McKinley...

William McKinley (1843-1901), only U.S. president to die of gangrene, approximately eight days after being shot by alleged anarchist Leon Czolgosz. In a historic case of swift justice, his assassin was electrocuted just six weeks after McKinley fell dead. Other Jan. 29 birthdays: Thomas Paine (1737-1809) political activist and writer known for his influential pamphlet on indigenous North American plant life, “Common Scents.” Anton Chekhov (1860-1904): Russian author, best known for his risqué novel about the loss of innocence, “The Cherry Popping Orchard.” Tom Selleck, 70: actor, played a fun-loving caveman in the 1980s detective show “Cro-Magnon, P.I.” Oprah Winfrey, 61: talk show host and actress, starred with the Marx Brothers in “A Night at the Oprah.” Heather Graham, 45: actress, starred in the porn-horror films “Boogie Night of the Living Dead” and “Boogie Nightmare on Elm Street.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1845, Edgar Allan Poe first published “The Raven,” in which he eerily predicted that the Baltimore Ravens would win the Super Bowl 156 years later. On this day in 1861, Kansas became the 34th state; today its major tourist attractions include the Soybean Museum and the Farm Accident Hall of...

Jan. 28: Jackson Pollock...

Jackson Pollock (1912-1956), legendary American artist known for his motto: “Paint fast, die young and leave some good-looking canvases.” A leader of the abstract expressionist movement known for his unique style, some paint he dripped and slapped onto a canvas in 1948 (“Number 19”) auctioned in 2013 for a reported $58 million. Other Jan. 28 birthdays: Alan Alda, 79: (aka Alphonso Joseph D’Abruzzo) actor, best known for playing a brash, dashing doctor on the 1970s smash “M*A*S*H.” Jeanne Shaheen, 68: U.S. senator and former governor from New Hampshire. Known as the “Lean, Mean Legislating Machine,” Shaheen is fond of fighting red tape with blue-ribbon panels. Elijah Wood, 34: noted Hollywood hobbit, best known for playing a New Zealand chicken chef on a mission in “The Lord of the Wings.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1909, the U.S. lost its jurisdiction over Cuba in a high-stakes game of “rock, paper, scissors” with the Russians and the...

Romney rebuts robot allegations...

By John Breneman Mitt Romney pulled the plug on a third presidential run today, dogged by past allegations that he is, in fact, a robotic humanoid with Teflon hair manufactured in China by the Koch brothers. According to top-secret documents: The strapping, anatomically correct Romney is a plastic political opportunist molded from space-age polymers and comprised of high-tech conservative circuitry, starch, kevlar, whole milk, gold bullion and slippery silicon gel. The Romney is programmed to diffuse its awkwardness around humans by emitting knee-slapping “Who let the dogs out” jokes with perfect timing and offering a “$10,000 bet” to anyone who claims he is a robot. Equipped with infrared sensors to calculate the height of all trees within a one-mile radius, the Romney is perhaps best known for losing to President Obama in 2012 despite a can’t-miss campaign platform built on saying that corporations are human beings, that “I like being able to fire people” and that 47 percent of the nation’s people are incorrigible moochers. The former Massachusetts governator – who as a Senate candidate in 1994 boasted that he would be a stronger advocate for gay rights than his opponent, Ted Kennedy, and who once assured voters “you will not see me wavering” on his pro-choice stance – possesses a synthetic political conscience that gives him a superhuman ability to “flip-flop.” When contacted by Triple Action News, a Romney aide/technician insisted that the candidate is at least 47 percent human before launching into a lengthy speech on why an individual health care mandate is OK in Romneycare but unconstitutional in Obamacare. Robot rebuts Romney allegations In a related story, a spokesman for artificial life forms today denied rumors that Mitt Romney is a robot. Tobor Megatron said that...

Jan. 27: Mikhail Baryshnikov...

Mikhail Baryshnikov, 67: ballet superstar, six-time league MVP for the Pittsburgh Pirouetters. Other Jan. 27 birthdays: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791): composer, best known for operas “The Marriage of Figaro” and his stormy followup “The Messy Divorce of Figaro.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his new Barney the Dinosaur nightlight. On this day in 1951, a new era of weapons testing began as the U.S. dropped a one-kiloton anvil in...

Jan. 26: Douglas MacArthur...

Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964): U.S. military general, uttered the fame words “I shall return” before going to the bathroom at a bar in the Philippines. Other Jan. 26 birthdays: Paul Newman (1925-2008): actor, lost to a pool-playing chimp in “The Color of Monkey,” ate too many eggs in “Cool Hand Puke.” Ellen DeGeneres, 57: noted lesbian, starred as a humorous lesbian in the ground-breaking lesbian sitcom “Ellen the Humorous Lesbian.” Wayne Gretzky, 54: hockey superstar, widely considered the greatest lesbian ever to play in the NHL. This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1784, Benjamin Franklin wrote that he was unhappy about the eagle being made the symbol of America. He said he favored the turkey, preferably with mayo and cheese on rye. On this day in 1979, former Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller died at age 70 when he accidentally suffocated in a six-foot-high pile $100 bills. On this day in 1998, President Clinton vigorously denied having an affair with a White House intern, telling reporters, “I did not ‘git jiggy wit’ that woman, Miss...

Jan. 25: Etta James

Etta James, (1938-2012): blues singer, noted crossword puzzle clue (see 14 Down). Other Jan. 25 birthdays: Virginia “Big Bad” Woolf (1882-1941): English writer, real name Virginia Wolverine Somerset Maugham (1874-1965): English author, “The Quadruple-Blade Disposable Razor’s Edge.” Other Jan. 25 milestones: On this day in 1915, Alexander Graham Bell launched the nation’s transcontinental telephone service, predicting that by 2008 phone-addicted “zombies” would roam the streets babbling into tiny “cellular” phones. On this day in 1964, the Beatles exploded onto the scene with their first No. 1 hit with “I Want to Hold Your Hand...

Jan. 24: John Belushi

John Belushi (1949-1982): actor and noted cautionary tale, revolutionized America’s understanding of Samurai culture, fraternity life and the blues. Other Jan. 24 birthdays: Ernest Borgnine (1917-2012): actor, shocked audiences by revealing his bare stomach in “McHale’s Navel.” Warren Zevon, (1947-2003): singer, best known for “Werewolves of London” and the lesser-known follow-up “Werewolves of Londonderry, NH.” Mary Lou Retton, 47: first gymnast to eat a bowl of Wheaties on the uneven parallel bars. This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1848, prospector Ronald McDonald found a Chicken McNugget at Sutter’s Mill in California, a discovery that led to the Golden Arches rush of 1849. On this day in 1943, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill wrapped up a wartime conference in Casablanca with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. On this day in 1989, Ted Bundy and two other serial killers, the Miami Mangler and the Disney Decapitator were put to death side by side on Florida’s electric...

Fox News causes cerebral hemorrhoids...

Mr. Billy Buck Teefus, best known as “the American redneck savant,” shares what he learned about President Obama on Fox News.   Related story: Study shows Fox News causes cerebral hemorrhoids Regular exposure to Fox News may cause intellectual anemia, brain damage and even cerebral hemorrhoids, according to a new study by University of South Berwick. The study confirmed what many have long suspected, that Fox News rots your brain with agenda-driven propaganda and ultimately leads to a cruel form of dementia called Rupert Murdoch Syndrome. A spokesman responded that Fox News’ logo is “fair and balanced.” Some are now calling for a warning label in the lower left corner of particularly misleading Fox News broadcasts. Possible sample text: “The Surgeon General has determined that Sean Hannity’s program contains toxic levels of misinformation, propaganda, arsenic, rat feces and tar.” Other side effects of prolonged exposure to Fox News may include degenerative ideological sclerosis, electile dysfunction and restless middle-finger...

Jan. 23: Ernie Kovacs

Ernie Kovacs (1919-1962): noted comedy pioneer (watch him make a car disappear in this video). Pulitzer Prize-winning TV critic William Henry III called him “television’s first significant video artist.” Other Jan. 23 birthdays: Anita Pointer, 67: singer with the Pointer Sisters, whose smash “Neutron Dance” hit No. 1 on the subatomic particle charts in 1985. Rutger Hauer, 71: actor, played a black market hair smuggler in the futuristic “Braid Runner.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1932, New York Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt shocked the nation by announcing he would run for president naked under a plan he called “The Nude Deal.” On this day in 1989, Spanish surrealist Salvador Dali died at age 84. Time of death could not be established though, because all of Dali’s clocks and watches had mysteriously...

Jan. 22: George Balanchine...

George Balanchine (1904-1983): American choreographer and dancer once billed as “Ballanchine: The Lean, Mean Ballet Dancin’ Machine.” (Video: Alexandra Danilova and Frederic Franklin in Balanchine’s “Mozartiana,” c. 1933) Other Jan. 22 birthdays: Francis Bacon (1561-1626): English statesman, author of “Six Degrees of Francis Bacon.” Piper Laurie, 83: actress, starred in “The Pied Piper” and its violent sequel “The Pied Sniper.” Linda Blair, 56: actress, starred in “The Extra Cyst,” the horrifying story of a woman with a benign growth inhabited by Satan. Other Jan. 22 milestones: On this day in 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in the precedent-setting Roe v. Wade decision, ruled that all fetuses have the right to own a gun. On this day in 1953, playwright Arthur Miller’s drama “The Crucible” began a successful run on Broadway, despite being hexed by Local #1313 of the Federation of Witches and...

Health care horoscope

Did you know that people who consume 50 milligrams of cornpone each day are 32 percent less likely to suffer from rickets, gangrene or curvature of the liver? No? That’s because it can be hard to separate fact from myth in modern medicine. Should you take one aspirin a day to ward off lockjaw, scarlet fever and unmitigated gallstones? Hard to say. Maybe a fistful of vitamins to combat vertigo, clubfoot and cerebral hemorrhoids. I feel fortunate to be in pretty good health for my age (sophisticated carbon-dating technology confirms I was born just over a half-century ago). Nevertheless, seems like every day the medical-industrial complex releases new reports about stuff that can kill us — or at least cause a 24 percent greater risk of mumps, whooping cough and fudgesicle-cell anemia. So this week I went to the doctor for my checkup. Across the awesome Memorial Bridge to the new York Hospital in Kittery. Not naming names (Fred), but my awesome doctor has the idea that your quality of life (physical, social, spiritual) is somehow tied in with your overall physical health. We talked about blurry eyes. A bum foot. A little bit of heart trouble (the romantic variety, thank goodness, not the coronary kind). Of course, I also wanted to have him check me out for anything caused by a deer tick or a mosquito. Plus, Pox News said we’re due for new batches of bird flu, mad cow and monkey pox. And since my company just got sold/purchased, I wanted to make sure I was still covered for varicose brain, adult onset celibacy and post-traumatic soiled pants syndrome. In fact, there are so many hazards, real and imagined (the surgeon general just issued warnings about Cap’n...

Jan. 21: Jack Nicklaus

Jack Nicklaus, 75: golf legend, got in trouble with PETA and the Audubon people for nailing a whole bunch of birdies and eagles. (In this video, a 70-year-old Nicklaus drops at badass putt at Harbor Shores, Michigan.) Other Jan. 21 birthdays: Ethan Allen (1738-1789): Revolutionary War hero and furniture maker, defeated the British by smacking them over the head with exquisitely hand-crafted chairs. Christian Dior (1905-1957): fashion designer, invented a mini-skirt so small it could only be seen with a powerful electron microscope. Geena Davis, 59: actress, appeared with sitcom star Isabel Sanford in “Thelma and Louise Jefferson” and “Earth Girls Are Weezy.” Other Jan. 21 milestones: On this day in 1793, King Louis XVI was executed on the guillotine for illegally “having his cake and eating it, too.” On this day in 1998, President Clinton angrily denied that he’d had sexual relations with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. He also denied having affairs with Dolly Parton, Newt Gingrich and Marilyn...

Jan. 20: George Burns

George Burns (1896-1996): comedian and noted supreme being, portrayed a ruthless and omnipotent mafia boss in “Oh, Godfather.” Here he is singing “Satisfaction.” Other Jan. 20 birthdays: Federico Fellini (1920-1993): movie director, best known for his 1959 classic “La Dolce Vita” (translation: “Let’s Get It On”). Edwin “Buzz Lightyear” Aldrin, 85: former astronaut, noted action figure. Bill Maher, 59: comedian, former host of the TV talk show “Anatomically Incorrect.” Other Jan. 20 milestones: On this day in 1936, Britain’s King George V died. He was succeeded briefly by King Kong VI, who soon abdicated to become a big Hollywood movie star. On this day in 1996, the space shuttle Endeavour returned to Earth after a 9-day mission that included replacing the battery in a Japanese satellite and darning a few holes in the ozone...

Jan. 19: Edgar Allan Poe...

Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849): author, best known for his classic novel in which involuntary flatulence exposes a murder, “The Tell-Tale Fart.” (Video trailer from “The Raven” starring John Cusack) Robert Palmer (1949-2003): singer, struck gold with the plus-sized hits “Addicted to Love Handles” and “Sneakin’ Sally Struthers Through the Alley.” Dolly Parton, 69: country singer and actress, starred in “Silicon Magnolias” and “The Best Little Meth Lab in Texas.” Other Jan. 19 milestones: On this day in 1949, the salary of the President of the United States was increased from $75,000 to $100,000 after Harry Truman went on a 12-day hunger strike demanding a raise. On this day in 1966, Indira Gandhi was elected prime minister of India. As her first act, she made it illegal for all adults to wear diapers in...

Jan. 18: A.A. Milne

A.A. Milne (1882-1956): author, potty-trained millions of children with his classic book “The Outhouse at Pooh Corner.” Other Jan. 18 birthdays: Kevin Costner, 60: actor-director, won Oscar for his epic Native American baseball film “Dances With Cleveland Indians.” Other Jan. 18 milestones: On this day in 1912, English explorer Robert F. Scott and his expedition reached the South Pole, only to discover that they had forgotten their mittens. On this day in 1996, Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson filed for divorce from Michael Jackson on the grounds that she no longer wanted to sleep in the same bed with the Elephant Man’s...

Jan. 16: Dizzy Dean

Dizzy Dean (1911-1974): Hall of Fame baseball pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, portrayed by James Dean in the film “Redbird Without a Cause.” Below, this video of the colorful fireballer comes from the Baseball Hall of Fame. Other Jan. 16 birthdays: Sade, 56: singer, best known for her hit song “Smooth Oakland Raider.” Other Jan. 16 milestones: On this day in 1547, Ivan the Terrible was crowned Czar of Russia, giving his subjects a ray of hope after the brutal reign of Hank the Hideous. On this day in 1920, Prohibition went into effect under the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, also known as the Moonshine Expansion Act. On this day in 1944, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower took command of Allied Forces and immediately outfitted all personnel in his trademark “Be Like Ike” Air Eisenhower...