Let phony horoscope guide you...

Newspaper and online horoscopes are silly, right? The savvy reader knows they’re just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent. But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical. CANCER (June 21-July 22) Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Avoid smashing into other vehicles when driving today. Keep sulfuric acid away from children. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A tender, romantic encounter is out of the question tonight. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama Celeste pizza. Let your limitations guide you. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Good fortune is on the horizon. Spend your next paycheck on lottery tickets. A beguiling stranger advises you to stay out of dumpsters today. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Complications involving a faulty prophylactic cause you to devote more thought to a special relationship. Treat yourself to some extra-strength Tylenol at dusk. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Encouraging news is probably inaccurate. Join an expensive health club and make a religious habit of never going there. Reconsider plans to have cosmetic brain surgery. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Slamming your hand in a car door could ease your emotional pain. Perspire freely among friends. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could prove fiscally unsound. Vacillate on key decisions, particularly those requiring prompt attention. Explore a career in taxidermy. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Follow your instincts on matters involving a reputed mobster and his rhesus monkey. Postpone an upcoming trip to Antarctica until winter. Use toothpaste...

Health care horoscope

Did you know that people who consume 50 milligrams of cornpone each day are 32 percent less likely to suffer from rickets, gangrene or curvature of the liver? No? That’s because it can be hard to separate fact from myth in modern medicine. Should you take one aspirin a day to ward off lockjaw, scarlet fever and unmitigated gallstones? Hard to say. Maybe a fistful of vitamins to combat vertigo, clubfoot and cerebral hemorrhoids. I feel fortunate to be in pretty good health for my age (sophisticated carbon-dating technology confirms I was born just over a half-century ago). Nevertheless, seems like every day the medical-industrial complex releases new reports about stuff that can kill us — or at least cause a 24 percent greater risk of mumps, whooping cough and fudgesicle-cell anemia. So this week I went to the doctor for my checkup. Across the awesome Memorial Bridge to the new York Hospital in Kittery. Not naming names (Fred), but my awesome doctor has the idea that your quality of life (physical, social, spiritual) is somehow tied in with your overall physical health. We talked about blurry eyes. A bum foot. A little bit of heart trouble (the romantic variety, thank goodness, not the coronary kind). Of course, I also wanted to have him check me out for anything caused by a deer tick or a mosquito. Plus, Pox News said we’re due for new batches of bird flu, mad cow and monkey pox. And since my company just got sold/purchased, I wanted to make sure I was still covered for varicose brain, adult onset celibacy and post-traumatic soiled pants syndrome. In fact, there are so many hazards, real and imagined (the surgeon general just issued warnings about Cap’n...

Economic horoscope

Just when you thought the economy had begun to rebound from the Great Meltdown of 2008, my assets were totally frozen this week. Plus, my sure-fire bid to become a millionaire fell through when those jerk-knobs at the lottery stiffed me. Again. Are better economic times just around the corner? Or should I consider laying off one or two of my dogs? No mortal person can answer questions such as these. So today, we’ve consulted legendary economic/astrological advice columnist The Great Depress-O. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Your broker urges you to stock up on Ramen noodles. Consider starting a Ponzi pyramid to pay your overdue electric bill. Red is the new black. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) — You possess very limited intellectual capital. But don’t let the ever-present threat of economic annihilation affect your consumer confidence. A financial adviser urges you to seek fiscal therapy. ARIES (March 21-April 19) — Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Seek out fun new places to hide from your creditors. An attractive colleague inquires about your debt-equity ratio. Cover your assets. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) — A candid financial discussion could lead to involuntary moaning and blubbering. Domestic animals question your ability to continue feeding them. Utilize scissors to clip coupons. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) — Ease your stress level by declaring complete financial, emotional and intellectual bankruptcy. A beguiling stranger advises you to stay out of Dumpsters today. Avoid unemployment. CANCER (June 21-July 22) — A romantic encounter is out of the question for 18 months. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama Celeste pizza. Let your financial limitations guide your heart. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) — Good fortune is not in the cards today, so reconsider spending more...

Homeland security horoscope...

Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security The secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, in consultation with the nation’s top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk Assessment Horoscope: ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate them. Don’t let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar smiles. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine. CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one’s fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct tape. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target. Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia. Turn your stress about man’s inherent capacity...

Common sense horoscope

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Using words may help you communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids sewn shut. Keep sulfuric acid away from children. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Don’t leave your money lying out where bad people can steal it. Eating food may supply much-needed nutrients. Resist an urge to defecate on your evening meal. CANCER (June 21-July 22) Unprotected sex with people who have AIDS could have unhealthy consequences. You may regret incinerating your prize possessions. Don’t wink at psycopaths. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A loved one advises you to wear protective eyegear while brandishing an acetylene torch. Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate moment. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A job could provide a useful source of income. Resist an impulse to curse out your employer. Cooperation on a key project is more effective than backstabbing. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Avoid pointing a loaded weapon at your head while cleaning it this evening. Loved ones may not appreciate suggestions that they are stupid. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don’t trust strangers who offer to take your money and double it. Regular breathing may help provide oxygen to the brain. Consider sleeping tonight. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are wise not to taunt a surly motorcycle gang. Consuming a fifth of Jack Daniels could lead to trouble. Refrain from peeing in public today. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Avoid smashing other vehicles when driving today. An authority figure prohibits you from going 145 mph. Using the steering wheel will help get you where you want to go. AQUARIUS...

Gangsta horoscope

Gangsta horoscope ARIES (March 21-April 19) Consult members of your posse before making an important decision. Don’t let no fool jam you up. Drink several 40s at dusk to relieve tension. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Your beeper brings news of lucrative business possibilities. Take your favorite ho out to dinner to celebrate. Avoid drivebys. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Make sure your back is covered if pulling a liquor store job. Don’t pay attention to no crazy-ass bitch. Demand your props from new acquaintances. Word. CANCER (June 21-July 22) Pack an extra piece if leaving the ‘hood today. A poster of Snoop Dogg could add luster to your crib. Carjacking a BMW may lift your spirits. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) If dissed in a social situation, shoot somebody. A new gold tooth boosts your confidence. Wear baggy clothes to hide your stash. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Don’t let being oppressed by the man dampen your spirits. A quiet evening with the crack pipe could bring revelations. Prison may be in your future. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Pop a cap in somebody’s ass at a house party. Flash extra gold chains to gain respect from your crew. Intimidate anyone you don’t know. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Use a condom if bangin’ some junkie brother’s ho. Act hard so no one mess with you. It’s a good evening to get down with your bad self. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) An unexpected visit by the vice squad takes you off the street for a while. An ice pick could prove useful in a tense situation. Chill. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Reach inside your jacket whenever someone look at you. If busted, don’t take the rap for no punk-ass homey. Relax with some gin...

Holiday horoscope

Have you got all your shopping done? Cards mailed? Packages shipped? Menus planned? Tree trimmed? Halls decked? Celebrating the birth of Jesus is truly a joyous time. But the buildup to the birthday bash can also bring stress. What with all the bells and candy canes and tinsel and gingerbread men and pine needles and nutcrackers and fruitcakes and ribbons and little drummer boys and frankincense and geese-a-laying and mangers and reindeer and sugar plums and elves and figgy pudding and mistletoe and singing chipmunks and consumerism gone haywire. Have you got the Christmas spirit yet? I thought I had it a couple days ago, but turns out it might have been just a head cold. So now with the winter solstice nearly upon us, unseen celestial forces have inspired me to put together a holiday horoscope to help celebrate the birth of our savior (who apparently was a Capricorn) during that special time of year when Jupiter aligns with the North Star in the House of Kringle. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Consult key family members before spending 30 percent of your net worth on “holiday bargains.” Good day to fill your spiritual void with ribbon candy. Tis the season for identity theft. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Temporarily suppressing your fears about man’s inherent capacity for evil helps make the holidays more joyful. Avoid truthfulness when talking to young children about Santa Claus. Have another eggnog. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Beware unrealistic promises made by an obese bearded man wearing red. Paying more than $99 for a candy cane could prove fiscally unsound. Lift your spirits by donning some gay apparel. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh could exacerbate an old injury....