Rolling Stones announce ‘Fossils’ tour...

Rolling Stone is reporting that the Rolling Stones rocked tens of thousands of fans at a historic free concert in Cuba. The Stones (aka “Their Arthritic Majesties”) reportedly have updated many of their best-loved songs to reflect their advanced age, including Jumpin’ Jack Kevorkian,” “Gimme Assisted Living Shelter” and “Bypass Surgery for the Devil.”...

Legislation filed to name Rep. Groen New Hampshire’s official state moron...

By John Breneman Polls in the Granite State show overwhelming support for new legislation naming Rep. Warren Groen New Hampshire’s official state moron. It was during recent debate on a bill drafted by Hampton Falls fourth-graders to name the red-tailed hawk official state raptor that the Rochester Republican distinguished himself as a true right-wing birdbrain. Of course the hawk can’t be New Hampshire’s official state raptor, he said, because of abortion. Groen delivered a groan-inducing speech suggesting that because it “uses its razor-sharp beak to basically tear (its prey) apart limb by limb” the hawk “would serve as a much better mascot for Planned Parenthood.” The students went to Concord for a lesson in democracy, and they sure got one. In your face, fourth graders. You are political pawns who should be more thankful you weren’t aborted. After the bill was defeated 160-133, Groen’s juvenile disrespect for the class of engaged, mature schoolchildren earned nationwide ridicule. As it turns out, the students actually did receive a valuable lesson – on how critically important it is to vote, so dunderheads like Groen do not get elected to the Legislature. Share Tweet Related stories: Sweeping GOP bill declares Obama an ‘enemy combatant’ The Eagle has...

Hulk denies steroid charge...

Noted superhero The Incredible Hulk reportedly has been named in a federal affidavit detailing alleged steroid use. Mr. Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances. His physician, Dr. Bruce Banner, attributes his overdeveloped physique to a “laboratory accident” involving exposure to “gamma...

E*Trade baby jailed for insider trading...

Federal agents raided the nursery of the adorably annoying E*Trade baby today, seizing a Winnie the Pooh laptop and two drool-covered iPads from his crib while arresting him on charges of insider trading. — John Breneman Tweet...

Speed Racer nabbed speeding...

Speed Racer was arrested today on Route 66 near Amarillo, Texas, for traveling 270 mph in a 25 mph zone. The animated racing hero was cited for speeding, aggravated speeding and speeding with intent to speed. — John Breneman...

Romney rebuts robot allegations...

By John Breneman Mitt Romney pulled the plug on a third presidential run today, dogged by past allegations that he is, in fact, a robotic humanoid with Teflon hair manufactured in China by the Koch brothers. According to top-secret documents: The strapping, anatomically correct Romney is a plastic political opportunist molded from space-age polymers and comprised of high-tech conservative circuitry, starch, kevlar, whole milk, gold bullion and slippery silicon gel. The Romney is programmed to diffuse its awkwardness around humans by emitting knee-slapping “Who let the dogs out” jokes with perfect timing and offering a “$10,000 bet” to anyone who claims he is a robot. Equipped with infrared sensors to calculate the height of all trees within a one-mile radius, the Romney is perhaps best known for losing to President Obama in 2012 despite a can’t-miss campaign platform built on saying that corporations are human beings, that “I like being able to fire people” and that 47 percent of the nation’s people are incorrigible moochers. The former Massachusetts governator – who as a Senate candidate in 1994 boasted that he would be a stronger advocate for gay rights than his opponent, Ted Kennedy, and who once assured voters “you will not see me wavering” on his pro-choice stance – possesses a synthetic political conscience that gives him a superhuman ability to “flip-flop.” When contacted by Triple Action News, a Romney aide/technician insisted that the candidate is at least 47 percent human before launching into a lengthy speech on why an individual health care mandate is OK in Romneycare but unconstitutional in Obamacare. Robot rebuts Romney allegations In a related story, a spokesman for artificial life forms today denied rumors that Mitt Romney is a robot. Tobor Megatron said that...

Fox News causes cerebral hemorrhoids...

Mr. Billy Buck Teefus, best known as “the American redneck savant,” shares what he learned about President Obama on Fox News.   Related story: Study shows Fox News causes cerebral hemorrhoids Regular exposure to Fox News may cause intellectual anemia, brain damage and even cerebral hemorrhoids, according to a new study by University of South Berwick. The study confirmed what many have long suspected, that Fox News rots your brain with agenda-driven propaganda and ultimately leads to a cruel form of dementia called Rupert Murdoch Syndrome. A spokesman responded that Fox News’ logo is “fair and balanced.” Some are now calling for a warning label in the lower left corner of particularly misleading Fox News broadcasts. Possible sample text: “The Surgeon General has determined that Sean Hannity’s program contains toxic levels of misinformation, propaganda, arsenic, rat feces and tar.” Other side effects of prolonged exposure to Fox News may include degenerative ideological sclerosis, electile dysfunction and restless middle-finger...

Kardashian drug ad

This all started when the following thought popped into my head: Gender Nonspecific Penile Disassociative Syndrome is the new erectile dysfunction. This, of course, led to creating a whole bunch of sexual disorders and maladies — and inventing a miracle drug to cure them (with a long list of ridiculous side effects, of course). Naturally, Kim Kardashian wanted on board immediately. — John Breneman Tweet...

Slider test

This is a test of our image slider function, using several of my exclusive photoshop news...

Rob Zombie not actual zombie, sources say...

Rock musician Rob Zombie, one of the nation’s best-known bogeymen and a role model for a generation of young mutants, is not an actual zombie, according to unconfirmed reports. In fact, documents reveal that Zombie is not even Mr. Zombie’s real name. Born Robert Bartleh Cummings in Massachusetts, he is a 1983 graduate of Haverhill High School, where he was voted “Most Likely to Devour the Flesh of a Rotting Human Corpse.” Mr. Zombie, whose body of work includes such sensitive numbers as “Superbeast,” “The Devil’s Rejects” and “Scum of the Earth,” is considered a pioneer in the genre of satanic, sub-grunge anti-pop. However, even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on people’s necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster-man wannabe. Local 666, International Brotherhood of the Undead released a statement saying it became suspicious of Mr. Zombie when it learned he is only 41. Most zombies are anywhere from several hundred to a couple thousand years old. It also noted that Mr. Zombie is “a masterful self-promoter,” whereas most zombies avoid publicity like the morning sun. — John Breneman Tweet...

Cerebral hemorrhoids linked to Fox News...

Regular exposure to Fox News may cause intellectual anemia, brain damage and even cerebral hemorrhoids, according to a new study by University of Maryland. The study confirmed what many have long suspected, that Fox News rots your brain with agenda-driven propaganda and ultimately leads to a cruel form of dementia called Rupert Murdoch Syndrome. A spokesman responded that Fox News’ logo is “fair and balanced.” Some are now calling for a warning label in the lower left corner of particularly misleading Fox News broadcasts. Possible sample text: “The Surgeon General has determined that Glenn Beck’s program contains harmful, toxic levels of misinformation, propaganda, arsenic, rat feces and tar.” Other side effects of prolonged exposure to Fox News may include degenerative ideological sclerosis, electile dysfunction and restless middle-finger syndrome. SPECIAL VIDEO REPORT Fox News brainwashes American redneck...

50 Scent

Imagine the dangerous aroma of a freshly fired 9 milimeter semiautomatic handgun. Blend in the rich, bling-tastic bouquet of a burlap sack stuffed with $100 bills. Now add an audaciously naughty whiff of skanky ghetto gold-digger. Introducing 50 Scent — a gangsta-licious new fragrance created by platinum-toothed rap mogul 50 Cent. Just dab some on your neck, behind your ear and all up in your junk to drive the ladies wild. Or slather some upside those unsightly drive-by scars to make old wounds sizzle with brutish sensuality. 50 Scent: Manufacturer’s suggested retail price: 50 Dollar *   *   * Tweet Share 50 Cent on Twitter John Breneman on...

Al Qaeda Inc. fiscal report shows Q4 loss...

  Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 12.6% drop in revenues for the fourth quarter of the fiscal year, but an annual report released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.  ...

King Tut rules!

Sphinx News is reporting that a surprise political coup has brought about the return to power of one-time pharoah King Tut. Polls reveal that “the ladies love his style” while male constituents respond favorably to unconfirmed reports that he once “ate a crocodile.” Steve Martin on Twitter John Breneman on Twitter Tweet...

Alcohol cures sobriety, new study reveals...

A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating the pain and discomfort of often associated with sobriety. — John...

Triple Action News!

“Rolling Stones announce ‘Fossils’ Tour,” “King Tut reclaims power in Egypt,” “Study: Alcohol effective in combating sobriety” and the other items below are some of the panels I enjoy creating that combine graphic design and Photoshop skill with newswriting ability and an engaging verbal style. — John Breneman         (Google Analytics says this Speed Racer item has garnered 37,000 page views.)                     *   *   * — John Breneman Tweet...

Obama born where?

This just in: U.S. drops to 16th on list of countries Fox News watchers think Obama was born in Share...

Rep. Ryan’s coupons...

Member Login Username: Password:...