Jan. 17: Muhammad Ali

Muhammad Ali (1942-2016): heavyweight boxing champ, inventor of the Ali Shuffle, possessed the ability to float like a butterfly and sting like a B-52. Below is video of Muhammad Ali with Michael Jackson. (Click here to see him with the Beatles back when he was called Cassius Clay.) Other Jan. 17 birthdays: Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790): inventor of the frankfurter; also started an exercise craze when he published “Poor Richard Simmons’ Almanack.” (Video from Old Farmers Almanac) Al Capone (1899-1947): infamous Chicago gangster known as “Cigarface.” Jim Carrey, 55: actor-comedian, starred in the Lewis Carroll classic “Tweedledum &...

Polar vortex questions? Ask Professor Doppler...

Due to some recent confusion caused by extremely cold weather, today we check in with noted meteorological advice columnist Professor Doppler. The professor — whose academic credentials include a Ph.D. in Cloud Technology from Cumulonimbus University and a master’s in Thunder from Kelvin State — has generously agreed to answer a few questions from readers. The author of “Patchy Fog,” “Life in the Frost Lane” and “Nor’Easter Bunny: Friend or Foe,” he was recently honored by the Fahrenheit Foundation for his ground-breaking environmental manifesto “Global Warming Caused by Increased Activity in Hades.” * * * Dear Professor Doppler — I heard on TV that they’re blaming this recent cold snap on something called a “polar vortex.” But Rush Limbaugh says that’s just a term the liberals made up as part of their stupid global warming scam. Please tell me the truth, professor, is there really a polar vortex? — Virginia Yes, Virginia. There is a polar vortex. In fact, weather legend Al Roker took Mr. Limbaugh to task for his gust of misinformation (video). The lovable buffoon schooled the hateful hot-air balloon on the “Today” show, blowing up an excerpt from his 1956 Weatherman 101 textbook and drawing a big circle around the term “Polar Vortex.” * * * Dear Professor Doppler — Me and the missus live about 15 feet from the ocean in a house that used to be about 75 feet from the ocean. Any major upcoming weather events we should be concerned about? — Jasper O’Dingus, Hampton Dear Jasper — Now that you mention it, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is said to be tracking a category 12 megastorm building strength down in Antarctica. If, as predicted, it slams into a back-door cold front...

Godzilla gone ‘Mad’...

Hot new theory: Don Draper to be roasted by Godzilla in shocking “Mad Men” finale! Anonymous sources say many clues point to incineration by the mythic beast. How do you think the classic AMC drama will end?...

Rolling Stones announce ‘Fossils’ tour...

Rolling Stone is reporting that the Rolling Stones rocked tens of thousands of fans at a historic free concert in Cuba. The Stones (aka “Their Arthritic Majesties”) reportedly have updated many of their best-loved songs to reflect their advanced age, including Jumpin’ Jack Kevorkian,” “Gimme Assisted Living Shelter” and “Bypass Surgery for the Devil.”...

Field of dreams

  I love baseball. And I’m blessed to have a buddy who always scores tickets to Opening Day at Fenway. But I was chatting with another friend the other day about how we hardly ever watch baseball on TV anymore. Most fans have heard about recent efforts to speed up the pace of games. Because apparently there are those who say the hallowed National Pastime is boring. Anyway, the conversation with my friend spun into this satirical item about the (beleaguered?) Big Leagues. What do you think? Is baseball boring or boffo? Is diamond action dull or dynamite? Share — John Breneman...

Let phony horoscope guide you...

Newspaper and online horoscopes are silly, right? The savvy reader knows they’re just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent. But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical. CANCER (June 21-July 22) Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Avoid smashing into other vehicles when driving today. Keep sulfuric acid away from children. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A tender, romantic encounter is out of the question tonight. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama Celeste pizza. Let your limitations guide you. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Good fortune is on the horizon. Spend your next paycheck on lottery tickets. A beguiling stranger advises you to stay out of dumpsters today. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Complications involving a faulty prophylactic cause you to devote more thought to a special relationship. Treat yourself to some extra-strength Tylenol at dusk. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Encouraging news is probably inaccurate. Join an expensive health club and make a religious habit of never going there. Reconsider plans to have cosmetic brain surgery. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Slamming your hand in a car door could ease your emotional pain. Perspire freely among friends. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could prove fiscally unsound. Vacillate on key decisions, particularly those requiring prompt attention. Explore a career in taxidermy. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Follow your instincts on matters involving a reputed mobster and his rhesus monkey. Postpone an upcoming trip to Antarctica until winter. Use toothpaste...

Legislation filed to name Rep. Groen New Hampshire’s official state moron...

By John Breneman Polls in the Granite State show overwhelming support for new legislation naming Rep. Warren Groen New Hampshire’s official state moron. It was during recent debate on a bill drafted by Hampton Falls fourth-graders to name the red-tailed hawk official state raptor that the Rochester Republican distinguished himself as a true right-wing birdbrain. Of course the hawk can’t be New Hampshire’s official state raptor, he said, because of abortion. Groen delivered a groan-inducing speech suggesting that because it “uses its razor-sharp beak to basically tear (its prey) apart limb by limb” the hawk “would serve as a much better mascot for Planned Parenthood.” The students went to Concord for a lesson in democracy, and they sure got one. In your face, fourth graders. You are political pawns who should be more thankful you weren’t aborted. After the bill was defeated 160-133, Groen’s juvenile disrespect for the class of engaged, mature schoolchildren earned nationwide ridicule. As it turns out, the students actually did receive a valuable lesson – on how critically important it is to vote, so dunderheads like Groen do not get elected to the Legislature. Share Tweet Related stories: Sweeping GOP bill declares Obama an ‘enemy combatant’ The Eagle has...

Hulk denies steroid charge...

Noted superhero The Incredible Hulk reportedly has been named in a federal affidavit detailing alleged steroid use. Mr. Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances. His physician, Dr. Bruce Banner, attributes his overdeveloped physique to a “laboratory accident” involving exposure to “gamma...

E*Trade baby jailed for insider trading...

Federal agents raided the nursery of the adorably annoying E*Trade baby today, seizing a Winnie the Pooh laptop and two drool-covered iPads from his crib while arresting him on charges of insider trading. — John Breneman Tweet...

Speed Racer nabbed speeding...

Speed Racer was arrested today on Route 66 near Amarillo, Texas, for traveling 270 mph in a 25 mph zone. The animated racing hero was cited for speeding, aggravated speeding and speeding with intent to speed. — John Breneman...

Worst advice columnist ever: Dear Blabby...

I probably should have mentioned this earlier but, yes, in addition to my mad skills as a highly paid, semi-professional op-ed pundit, I am also (seek counseling) a certified advice columnist. However, due to my late start in this time-honored profession, I am quite possibly one of the worst advice columnists of all time. First some important guidelines: Please limit all questions to 25,000 words or less. And please refrain from any queries involving cough medicine, gnomes or three-wheeled bicycles. Also a disclaimer: The advice offered herein is for entertainment purposes only. We are in no way legally or morally responsible for any person, personage or corporate entity who acts on aforementioned advice only to have it blow up in their face. There, that ought to cover it. Oh wait, the following advice is void where prohibited. Dear Blabby, I’m a longtime senior citizen. When I park in certain areas of downtown Portsmouth, pigeons sometimes poop on my car. Should I divorce my husband? — Angry at Birds Actually, most people tend to separate minor everyday annoyances from their careful consideration of such immensely important life decisions as whether to maintain a partnership with a spouse or significant other. But something tells me you are not “most people,” are you? No, I think the message those pigeons are actually sending you is that you should stay inside and never, ever drive anywhere ever again. Dear Blabby, A friend of mine — yes, that’s it a friend; I’m definitely not referring to myself — is concerned he may have become addicted to sniffing glue and drinking vanilla extract. I think he’s also hooked on crack. What should I do? — Edgy in Exeter What you want to do is sit...

Feb. 19: Copernicus

  Nicolaus Copernicus (1473-1543): Polish astronomer, theorized that the sun was at the center of the solar system, somewhere near Cleveland. Other Feb. 19 birthdays: Smokey Robinson, 75: singer, Motown hits include his horrifying saga of a murderous circus performer, “Fears of a Clown.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1878, Thomas Edison received a patent both for inventing the phonograph and for what he called that “cool, retro scratchy sound.” On this day in 1803, Congress voted to admit Ohio into the union, but insisted it stop calling itself The Bug-Eye...

Feb. 18: Yoko Ono

  Yoko Ono, 82: singer, best known for her songs “I Am the Banshee” and “Twist and Screech.” Other Feb. 18 birthdays: John Travolta, 61: actor, received Oscar nominations for his role as the charismatic Theodore Cleaver in “Saturday Night Beaver.” Matt Dillon, 51: actor, “There’s Something About Mary Magdalene.” Molly Ringwald, 47: actress, “Sixteen Cannibals.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1972, the California Supreme Court struck down the state’s death penalty. All those executed prior to 1972 were “de-electrocuted” and returned to death row. On this day in 1885, Mark Twain’s “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” was published and was immediately banned due to its shocking use of the grammatically incorrect term...

Feb. 17: Michael Jordan

  Michael Jordan, 52: basketball god, hairless leader of a generation of bald men. Among his millions of lights was this late-career defensive gem. Other Feb. 17 birthdays: Lou Diamond Phillips, 53: actor, starred in the timeless classic about a young Hispanic deer, “La Bambi.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1979, Garrison Keillor launched his radio show about Midwestern small-town hookers, “A Prairie Ho Companion.” On this day in 1817, Baltimore became the first city to be illuminated with gas streetlamps, and the first to be hit with gas streetlamp...

Feb. 16: Kim Jong-il

  Kim Jong-il (1941-2011): former “supreme leader” of North Korea, best known for his signature 18-inch platform shoes and pompadour hairdo; regarded as part immortal by his subjects, he claimed to have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in golf, he reported hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he played. This video shows a news report speculating that his funeral in 2011 was attended by a mysterious “giant.” Other Feb. 16 birthdays: Edgar Bergen (1903-1978): ventriloquist, played a key role in the 1954 Army-McCarthy hearings investigating communism with his longtime dummy Charlie McCarthy. Sonny Bono (1935-1998): starred on “Sonny & Cher” TV show before becoming a U.S. congressman then dying at age 53 by slamming into a tree while skiing. LeVar Burton, 58: actor, played Lt. Kunta Kinte, a former slave who escaped onto a spaceship in “Star Trek: The Roots Generation.” Ice-T, 57: actor-rapper, found fame and controversy with his 1992 song “Cop Killer” before becoming a TV cop on “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1959, Fidel Castro overthrew Cuban President Batista, who was found in a ditch outside Havana with first-degree cigar burns over 60 percent of his body. On this day in 1804, a U.S. fleet raided Tripoli Harbor in direct violation of the harbor’s strict “Make No Wake” policy. On this day in 1868, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was founded by a guy who had been kicked out of a rival club called the Benevolent and Protective Order of Sea...

Feb. 15: Susan B. Anthony...

  Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906): feminist, began suffering at age 2 months and grew up to lead the women’s suffrage movement, first woman to be depicted on a dollar that nobody in the world ever uses. Other Feb. 15 birthdays: Galileo Galilei (1564-1642): Italian astronomer, used a telescope to prove his theory that the universe did not revolve around the church. Matt Groening, 61: creator of the legendary cartoon family “The Simpsons,” and its blood-spattered 1995 spinoff “The O.J. Simpsons.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 2000, Fox aired “Who Wants to Marry a Serial Killer?,” a reality-style TV special that drew huge ratings and left only seven dead. On this day in 1879, President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court, as long as they wore a short skirt and high heels. On this day in 1964, Cassius Clay became the heavyweight boxing champ with a brash, trash-talking victory over loud-mouth couch potato Howard...

Feb. 14: Jack Benny

  Jack Benny (1894-1974): comedian and violinist; just before his death hit No. 1 with Elton John, playing violin on “Benny and the Jets.” Other Feb. 14 birthdays Carl Bernstein, 71: journalist, exposed all of President Nixon’s lies as co-author of “All the President’s Mendacity.” Meg Tilly, 55: actress, played a young nun smitten with a movie monster in “Agnes of Godzilla.” This Day in Revisionist History On this day in 1849, James Polk became the first president to be photographed in office. Polk lost his re-election bid though, having frightened voters with his beaming red eyes. On this day in 1859, Oregon became the nation’s 33rd state, but was put on a six-month probation filled with merciless hazing from some of the older...

Feb. 13: Chuck Yeager

  Chuck Yeager, 92: aviation legend, first person to break the sound barrier (1947), also rumored to have been the first person to join the mile-high club while breaking the sound barrier. Other Feb. 13 birthdays: Grant Wood (1892-1942): artist, depicted a Brazilian rain forest couple gripping a bamboo pitchfork in his greatest work, “South American Gothic.” Jerry Springer, 71: host of the daytime cockfighting show “Lowest Common Denominator.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1542, King Henry VIII’s fifth wife, Catherine Howard, was beheaded for adultery with the royal pool boy On this day in 1920, the League of Nations allowed Switzerland to claim its perpetual neutrality, but then passed a resolution to block the further spread of “this insidious neutrality...

Feb. 12: Abraham Lincoln...

  Abraham Lincoln (1809-1965): 16th president, freed all peoples to have drunken sex in his epic speeches the “Intoxication Proclamation” and the “Fornication Proclamation.” Other Feb. 12 birthdays: Charles Darwin (1809-1882): scientist, many skeptics pooh-poohed the theory of evolution he set forth in “On the Origin of Feces.” Maud Adams, 70: actress, starred in the Woody Allen/James Bond movie, “What’s New, Octopussy?” Christina Ricci, 35: actress, played Wednesday Addams in “Friday Night Lights,” “Saturday Night Fever” and “Any Given Sunday.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1733, English settlers led by Captain Crunch founded the city of Battle Creek, Michigan. On this day in 1999, the Senate voted to acquit President Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice, but found him guilty of truth-fudging and intern-banging. Today’s Quote: “Why can’t you be more like that Lincoln boy.” – Bill Clinton’s mother...

Feb. 11: Thomas Edison

  Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931): some idiot who didn’t even know about the Internet; actually, an amazing genius who invented the lightbulb so he could stay up late and invent the phonograph so he could listen to music while he invented the motion picture camera. Other Feb. 11 birthdays: Burt Reynolds, 79: actor, starred in the 1977 fire safety comedy “Smokey the Bear and the Bandit.” Jennifer Aniston, 46: actress, starred in the sitcom “Friends” and a bunch of forgettable movies; died in 2024 in a Pay-Per-View steel-cage death match versus archnemesis Angelina Jolie. This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1990, Nelson Mandela was freed after spending 27 years in a South African prison. Asked what he would do, Mandela responded, “I’m going to Disney World. On this day in 1993, President Bill Clinton named Miami prosecutor Janet Reno to be the first female attorney general, despite widespread concern that she might frighten the nation’s...

Feb. 10: Lon Chaney Jr.

  Lon Chaney Jr. (1906-1973): actor, starring role in “The Wolf Man” led to career playing horror-movie monsters that culminated with “The Ghost of Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man’s Mummy at Dracula’s Zombie Castle.” (This 1945 “House of Dracula” trailer shows Chaney as the Wolf Man.) Today’s Birthdays: Boris Pasternak (1890-1960): Russian author, best known for his classic novel “Dr. Zhivago and Mr. Hyde.” Robert Wagner, 85: actor, played part of a TV husband-wife detective team in “Hart to Hart” and a handsome resuscitation survivor in “Mouth to Mouth.” Roberta Flack, 76: singer, hit No. 1 in 1973 with “Killing Me Softly With a Blunt Instrument.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1949, opening on Broadway was Arthur Miller’s new play “Death of a Used Car Salesman.” On this day in 1962, Russia traded Francis Gary Powers, a captured American U-2 pilot, for 12 cases of Smirnoff and a Soviet dissident to be named...

Feb. 9: William Henry Harrison...

  William Henry Harrison (1773-1841): ninth president, died just 32 days into his term when he was bitten by a rabid Kentucky congressman and had to be put down. Other Feb. 9 birthdays: Joe Pesci, 72: actor, won Oscar as Best Supporting Gangster in “Goodfellas.” Mia Farrow, 70: actress, starred opposite Marcel Marceau in “Mimes and Misdemeanors” and Jimi Hendrix in “The Purple Haze of Cairo.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1964, The Beatles made their first visit to “The Ed Sullivan Show,” where Sullivan ordered the moptopped lads not to sing the song “I Wanna Hold Your Breasts.” On this day in 1950, Sen. Joseph McCarthy warned that the State Department was infested with Communists and presented a photo-copy from Kinkos naming names of prominent...

Feb. 8: James Dean

  James Dean (1931-1955): actor, starred in “Rebel Without a Positive Role Model.” Other Feb. 8 birthdays: Jules Verne (1828-1905): author of the SciFi self-help classics “Astound the World in 80 Days” and “Journey to the Center of Your Inner Child.” Gary Coleman (1968-2010): actor, played young Malcolm X in the sitcom “Militant Strokes.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1910, the Boy Scouts of America was incorporated with the motto: “We don’t need no stinking merit badges.” On this day in 1969, the final issue of the “Saturday Evening Post” prompted a new magazine devoted to analyzing its demise, the “Sunday Evening...

Feb. 7: Charles Dickens

  Charles Dickens (1812-1870): author, best known for his novel about boozing in London and Paris, “Cocktail of Two Cities.” Other Feb. 7 birthdays: Eubie Blake (1883-1983): piano wizard whose popular songs included “I’m Just Wild About Harry Potter.” Chris Rock, 50: stand-up comedy superstar whose greatest movie success is playing a zebra in animated “Madagascar” movies. Ashton Kutcher, 37: actor, played a dim-witted young John Quincy Adams in “That 1770s Show.” This Day in Revisionist History: On this day in 1839, Sen. Henry Clay of Kentucky declared “I had rather be right than president,” thus insuring his defeat in the race for the White House in...