Cat whisperer!

I am currently in the midst of planning an elaborate surprise party to celebrate the 11th birthday of my faithful and trusty sidekick, Elwood.

So when I overheard someone mention the term “cat whisperer” the other day, it set off an involuntary internal analysis exploring the phrase for its rich comedic potential.

First, I considered what animals would be the most challenging with which to develop a “whisperer” type relationship.

These included: rattlesnake whisperer, snapping turtle whisperer and great white shark whisperer. Also: Komodo dragon whisperer, electric eel whisperer and, of course, Portuguese man o’ war whisperer.


Next I examined those that just struck me as sounding funny, such as vulture, skunk and wasp whisperer; or perhaps cockroach, porcupine and Tasmanian devil whisperer.

Of little surprise to those who know me, I quickly moved on to those that were mildly suggestive or vaguely naughty: woodpecker whisperer, sperm whale whisperer and ass whisperer (hey, I’m talking about donkeys here).

As the cat whisperer stream of consciousness continued, I pictured a stand-up comedian explaining: “Actually, I think I’m more of a cat shouter.” The imaginary comic would then scream, “Get down off the counter, Whiskers!” and “Stop clawing the carpet, you mangy bag of bones!”

Me, I never raise my voice to the little guy. That would violate a very important claws in our master-pet pre-nup.

Stay tuned for details on Elwood’s upcoming new book “Nine Habits of Highly Effective Felines,” his much-anticipated sequel to “The Human Whisperer.”

— John Breneman