book blurb banner 500Welcome to John Breneman’s Book Blurbs, a new genre of book review hailed as “wildly subpar” by Triple Action News.

The “mini reviews” found here are mini not only in the sense that they are short, but also in the sense that it’s likely I have “skimmed” the available PR materials rather than actually “read” the literary masterpiece in question. (* I reserve the right to read select manuscripts.) A few will be touched by my actual human hands but most will be “digital,” which of course means “never to be touched by human digits.”

In addition to offbeat blurbs about actual print and digital books, we are also proud to be the nation’s leading supplier of “fake” book titles and covers, often inspired by such ridiculous puns as “Uncle Tom’s Condo” and “Charlotte’s Worldwide Web.”

And as a courtesy to our readers, we also provide a generous and growing selection of “fake” reviews of “real” novels. (“The Catcher in the Rye,” America’s best-loved baseball book?)

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Book Blurbs editor John Breneman is the author of “Downsized! How I Got Laid Off After 30 Years in Newspapers and Turned My Funniest Sunday Advice Columns Into a Blockbuster E-book.” For a limited time only, contact us through Twitter: @MrBreneman.

Growing Up Pedro

Posted by on May 4, 2015 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Growing Up Pedro

Growing Up Pedro By Matt Tavares A gifted baseball artist with a child-like love of the game. Yes, I am talking about Red Sox legend Pedro Martinez. And, yes, I am talking about children’s book creator Matt Tavares, author-illustrator of “Growing Up Pedro.” Autographing copies of his new book during Children’s Day festivities yesterday in Portsmouth, N.H., the author spoke about being inspired by Pedro. Tavares’ beautiful illustrations (he traveled to Pedro’s hometown of Manoguayabo in the Dominican Republic to help bring it alive on his pages) provide a rich backdrop for a deeply personal story about overcoming the odds (Pedro was told he was too small for his hardball dream) and a deep bond between brothers (older brother Ramon was Pedro’s hero long before both men became big-league stars). A resident of Ogunquit, Maine, Tavares is a lifelong Red Sox fan who acknowledged that his newest book was timed to coincide with Pedro’s recent election into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. N.Y. Fans will be expecting a uniquely Pedro speech when he steps to the podium during the gala induction ceremony on Sunday, July 26. Meanwhile, many key scenes from his life are lovingly depicted by Tavares. Pedro throwing rocks at the ripe mangos in the trees near his home to hone his accuracy. Pedro receiving his first real baseball glove from Ramon after his brother signs with the Dodgers at age 16. Tavares, whose 16 titles include seven centered on our national pastime, appears to be building an all-star baseball bibliography, as “Growing Up Pedro” follows previous books about Ted Williams, Henry Aaron and Babe Ruth. Honestly, if Matt Tavares was in the game back when I was growing up, I would have collected and treasured his work. His “Pedro” is my new favorite pitcher book. — John Breneman EDITOR’S NOTE: A recent wave of Pedro mania is also stoked by the release of “Pedro,” a new book in which Martinez collaborates with Boston Herald writer Michael Silverman to share his life story....

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“The Future According To Me”

Posted by on Mar 24, 2015 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

“The Future According To Me”

“The Future According To Me” By Rob Kutner According to my exhaustive research, this is the only book in the history of the printed word that dares to publish the hop-on-pop prophecies of the great Seusstrodamus. In brilliantly forecasting the future according to him, Mr. Kutner makes true believers of readers like me, simply because his bio mentions that he has written for “The Daily Show.” First published on Amazon in 2011, Mr. Kutner’s “Future” has been hailed as a 21st century masterwork by the noted e-book pundit Xanthar Hutchinson and has been widely disseminated throughout the Milky Way. My only real complaint is that the book sheds precious little light on whether Earth’s future overlords will exhibit simian or reptilian characteristics. The Amazon reviews are peppered with favorable comparisons to Kurt Vonnegut and one five-star reviewer even waxes poetically about “Kutneresque … post-apocalyptic hellscapes.” I recommend seizing this rare opportunity to purchase “The Future” for just 99 cents. Only then will you be able to fully appreciate Mr. Kutner’s generous invitation to “steutronize on my tele-14-blagnorx.”...

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MLK, You’re OK

Posted by on Feb 9, 2015 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

MLK, You’re OK

“MLK, You’re OK” By Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. Few knew that, in addition to his inspiring career as a civil rights pioneer, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was also the author of the internationally acclaimed self-help book “MLK, You’re OK.” The book includes fascinating insights into dream analysis and judging others by the content of their...

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The Great Typo Hunt

Posted by on Dec 18, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

The Great Typo Hunt

“The Great Typo Hunt: Two Friends Changing the World, One Correction at a Time” By Jeff Deck and Benjamin D. Herson Slashing through the grammatical madness in a world of spelling and punctuation gone haywire … two humble men seek to eradicate typos, much like Dr. Jonas Salk eradicated polio. They chronicle their comical cross-country quest for a vaccine and other efforts to reduce Type-O afflictions, across all demographics and especially among children, in “The Great Typo Hunt: Two Friends Changing the World, One Correction at a Time.” The protagonists of TEAL, the Typo Eradication Advancement League (aka, the Typo Extermination & Annihilation Legion) fix actual typos in entertaining, authentic real-life settings. Their mission is part two-pronged campaign for heightened literacy and reduced illiteracy, and part very clever ruse to get a totally awesome book published in actual print format. However, critics claim it downplays shocking, undocumented facts that suggest typos kill at least five Americans every year. “The Great Typo Hunt” has been hailed as “an epic, seminal, thrill ride through a post-apostropheric landscape of linguistic monkey business.” * The significance of Godzilla appearing on the cover in some markets cannot be confirmed nor denied....

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Olden Days

Posted by on Dec 13, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Olden Days

“Olden Days” By Anonymous Mann A heartwarming look back at those golden, olden days of yore, this generic anthology is jammed with fuzzy nostalgia about how things were like 15.7 percent less sucky during the halcyon days of some hazy, reimagined bygone era. Minimalist text snuggled against a backdrop of wistful, white-washed visual reminiscences – fuzzy-framed monochromatic memories of America in a time before citizens were forced to breathe the rancid stench of unlimited money rotting their nation’s political soul from within, back before social media mobile apps replaced 68.2 percent of unnecessary human contact. “Olden Days” harkens back to a simpler time, before the Supreme Court granted “human” status to corporations, before it was prophesied that a corporation named Maximus Prophet LLC would be appointed to the Supreme Court by future President Rex W. Bush. You know, back in those good old days, before everybody was constantly whining about the economy and haters and racism and autism and poverty and income inequality and the nation’s sly transition from democracy to oligarchy. *   *   * “I laughed until my 401(k) lost 40 percent of its value!” – Arturo DeMaunchie “The haters are really gonna hate this one.” – Rachmaninoff Aspercreme III *   *   *   MORE BOOK BLURBS   *   *   * Book Blurbs editor John Breneman is the author of “Downsized! How I Got Laid Off After 30 Years in Newspapers and Turned My Funniest Sunday Advice Columns Into a Blockbuster...

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If You Give a Donkey the White House

Posted by on Dec 13, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

If You Give a Donkey the White House

“If You Give a Donkey the White House” By David E. Levine The evil, buck-toothed Donkey is hilarious in David E. Levine’s “If You Give a Donkey the White House,” described as a “fresh, entertaining … political satire of the infinite haplessness of the government bureaucracy.” “The wry parody, presented in the form of a popular children’s storybook series, will have right-leaning readers hysterically laughing as Levine takes jabs at President Barack Obama and his minions,” says the book’s PR blurb. Among its themes: “the hazard of electing an unknown ‘donkey’ into the White House.” The art is very solid and the Donkey is such a compelling presence that some readers might imagine the author setting his satiric gifts loose on how Donkey’s predecessor, Elephant, launched that dang unnecessary war and broke the darn economy. “The most effective method of illustrating political realities is often the simplest – in children’s format,” says Levine. “Volumes of longwinded political-speak have been authored on this subject, but … in the form of a simple, warmly illustrated children’s book, one can easily understand what a dangerous idea it is to allow donkeys to run our country.” While thoroughly exploring some of the major criticisms of Donkey rule, the book also avoids boring readers by reminding them that Elephants tend to favor policies that benefit wealthy corporate interests at the expense of middle-class or poorer Americans, or that the pachyderm platform is pro-voter suppression and anti-women’s health. In this partisan, polarized landscape for political satire children’s book parodies, “Donkey” might garner 4 or 5 right-handed thumbs up, along with, alas,  an equal number of left-handed thumbs down. *   *   *   MORE BOOK BLURBS   *   *   * Book Blurbs editor John Breneman is the author of “Downsized! How I Got Laid Off After 30 Years in Newspapers and Turned My Funniest Sunday Advice Columns Into a Blockbuster...

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Cheney offers ‘Enhanced Misinformation’ on torture

Posted by on Dec 12, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 1 comment

Cheney offers ‘Enhanced Misinformation’ on torture

“Enhanced Misinformation from an Undisclosed Location” By Dick Cheney Dick Cheney fires back at critics in his new book “Enhanced Misinformation from an Undisclosed Location.” Specifically, the former vice president blasts a new report on the scope and effectiveness of CIA interrogation techniques, calling it “full of crap” and “a bunch of hooey.” Talking torture on Fox News, Cheney confessed, “I’d do it again in a minute.” Regrets? Cheney laments that he never personally got to rectally rehydrate a man, but he appreciates being retired so he can spend more quality time in his customized Cadaver Cave with his collection of carcasses and corpses. “Enhanced Misinformation from an Undisclosed Location” is the spine-curdling follow-up to “Waterboard This!” Cheney’s defiant, Moby Dick-like manifesto aimed at the seamy underbelly of the American media blowhole. In “Enhanced Misinformation,” Cheney reveals that he has mastered ninja heart fist techniques and is now legally classified as a weapon of mass destruction in parts of California and Switzerland. “I laughed until I rectally rehydrated myself.” – Arturo DiMaunchie * * *   More Book Blurbs   * * * Book Blurbs editor John Breneman is the author of “Downsized! How I Got Laid Off After 30 Years in Newspapers and Turned My Funniest Sunday Advice Columns Into a Blockbuster E-book.” For a limited time only, contact us through Twitter:...

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Eagles Fly Alone

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Eagles Fly Alone

“Eagles Fly Alone” By Lars R. Trodson Langley Calhoun, chief of police of Fenton, New Hampshire, is the super cool name of a memorable character created by a dear friend of mine named Lars Trodson. One of the few books I have actually read in recent years, “Eagles Fly Alone” is a robust, sweepingly robotic work that reveals Mr. Trodson to be outstanding in his field. Just kidding about robotic, because alert readers will quickly discover that Trodson, reputed quintessential island newspaper editor/auteur, is anything but. In fact, his prose pulsates with electric rusticity. This elegant novel has been rightfully hailed by noted literary critic and bon vivant Arturo Slithergard as a seminal example of the “post-agrarian, neo-bucolic New England spine-tingler fiction” genre. “Mr. Trodson is a patient and perceptive writer with a special ability to create a realistic small-town New England universe. Giving us sincere, engaging characters and allowing their stories to unfold at an hurried, rural pace helps make it a soulful, even soothing read, enlivened by both humanity and humor.” – John Breneman (my actual review at Amazon) It could be said that the dashing, roguishly charming author (here at Goodreads) is in some ways a “poster boy” for gentleman/scholar trying to earn a white-collar dollar amid the financial squalor of the post-industrial print/indie publishing industry. Lars is also the author of “Tide Turning,” which is next on my list of books to read after I finish the one he just gave me, “Giles Goat-Boy” by John Barth. He is also a writer, editor, co-founder of Roundtable Pictures. Informed sources buzz that Hollywood will not stop pestering him for the movie rights to his debut novel (Nicolas Cage in talks for “One Flew Over the Eagle’s...

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The Catcher in the Rye

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

The Catcher in the Rye

“A Catcher in the Rye” By J.D. Salinger A wacky tale of teenage angst and alienation, “The Catcher in the Rye” (1951) is the first installment in J. D. Salinger’s controversial nine-part baseball series that also featured such classic titles as “The Shortstop Ordered Single Malt” (1954) and “The Third Baseman Killed My Brother” (1958). With his refreshing, shoot-from-the-hip assessments of which pro baseball stars are “crumby” and “phony,” protagonist Holden Caulfield has become a worldwide icon for post-modern hardball nihilism. The book is said to be very popular among classic literature enthusiasts and serial killers. Related reading: “The Designated Hitter Strikes Again”  ...

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Baby’s Bucket List

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Baby’s Bucket List

“Baby’s Bucket List” By Slithergaard “Umbilical Cord” Badgersmith Jr. This worldwide best-seller – a delightfully imagined screed about an adult male baby determined to claw his way to the top on his own terms, without pants – technically does not exist and almost certainly never will. The heartwarming non-tale of a boy who embarks on a bucket list on the day he is born, it is not part three of the epic non-trilogy (with “Birth Rites” and “Born Supremacy”) by the noted fictional infant author Slithergaard Badgersmith Jr. However, the book’s tantalizing cover will likely prove irresistible to anyone who has ever dreamed of climbing a mountain clad only in a diaper. See also: “Baby’s First Pit Bull” * * * Book Blurbs editor John Breneman is the author of “Downsized! How I Got Laid Off After 30 Years in Newspapers and Turned My Funniest Sunday Advice Columns Into a Blockbuster...

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Baby’s First Pit Bull

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Baby’s First Pit Bull

“Baby’s First Pit Bull” By Slithergaard Badgersmith Jr. Can’t figure out what to get for the birthday baby who has everything? Just imagine the joy on Baby’s tiny face when he lays his baby blues on … Baby’s First Pit Bull. What better fuzzy companion could there be – for the modern toddler on the go – than a vicious domesticated killing machine with a skull-crushing jaw and razor-sharp fangs? This book, which technically does not “exist,” is a must-read tutorial for anyone considering a cuddly pit bull as Baby’s bloodthirsty new pal. Learn how, with his menacing growl and hair-trigger temper, Baby’s First Pit Bull enhances Baby’s street reputation as an infant not to messed with. See also: “Baby’s Bucket List” * * * Book Blurbs editor John Breneman is the author of “Downsized! How I Got Laid Off After 30 Years in Newspapers and Turned My Funniest Sunday Advice Columns Into a Blockbuster...

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Cape Comedy

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Cape Comedy

“Cape Comedy” By Marc Weingarten “Manic comedic enthusiasm” meets “murder-mystery mayhem” in this quirky, pop culture thriller set in the gut-busting, side-splitting world of professional stand-up comedy. A comedy veteran with an impressive resume too voluminous to adequately name-drop here (Robin Williams!), Marc Weingarten kills in “Cape Comedy.” I mean he literally kills at Ricky Boy – America’s most famous millionaire comedy club mogul and anointer of comedy stars. *   *   * “Weingarten weaves a winding path to a killer’s door by following unexpected trails through the absurdities of life with a manic energy suggestive of Robin Williams or Jim Carrey.” – Forward Reviews “I laughed until I spit up small chunks of my pancreas.” – Arturo DiMaunchie, the noted comedy critic and bon vivant. Find “Cape Comedy” at Amazon and Goodreads, and at the author’s home...

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Diary of a Pissed-Off Flight Attendant

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Diary of a Pissed-Off Flight Attendant

“Diary of a Pissed-Off Flight Attendant” By Sydney Pearl Have you ever wanted to smack a baby? Well, Sydney Pearl promises no overt baby-slapping, but “Diary” is billed as an “indiscreet, eye-opening” look at how it feels for a flight attendant to be assaulted by the joke “Are we there yet?” by multiple a-holes at 40,000 feet. Drawing on decades of aviation industry knowledge and nonsense, the author with the lovely name is described as “an active flight attendant for a well-respected airline” that shall remain nameless. The musings of her “Pissed-Off Flight Attendant” are said to include humorous anecdotes about the “many ridiculous shenanigans passengers perpetrate, both before boarding and while in the air.” Potential readers may also enjoy the description at Amazon: “A brash, funny, and downright ballsy ode to the ups and downs of life in the air.” See “Diary of a Pissed-Off Flight Attendant” also at Goodreads and the author’s page. *   *   * Book Blurbs editor John Breneman is the author of “Downsized! How I Got Laid Off After 30 Years in Newspapers and Turned My Funniest Sunday Advice Columns Into a Blockbuster...

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Lord Forgive Me

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Lord Forgive Me

“Lord Forgive Me… but I was a (Business) Bullshit Consultant” By Anthony Bunko Finally, a book bold enough to open with the protagonist picturing his own future death just after “three hours of experimental Viagra-free lovin’ with one of my 19-year-old girlfriends and her twin sister.” In this “hilarious yet poignant” memoir, author Bunko debunks the myth that the life of a business consultant is not immersed in a seamy underbelly of “gun chases, hookers, midgets” and more. “Everything in this book is based on true events,” according to the book’s inside jacket. This book bills itself as a real bean-spiller, as in: “Anthony Bunko spills the beans” on how his “dream job” turned into “a scary rollercoaster ride full of fist-fights, muggings, kidnapping, gun chases, ghosts, psychopaths, midgets, hookers, back-stabbing, bullshit, weird sex, strong drugs and the odd plate of sausage rolls.” *   *   * “The naked Ken doll with the halo really made me squint at the other tiny items scattered about on the cover.” – Arturo DiMaunchie...

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Double Lover

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 0 comments

Double Lover

“Double Lover” Anonymous As a book lover and a lover of writing with a soft spot for hermaphrodite coming-of-age stories, blurting out a blurb about “Double Lover” was a triple pleasure for me. Rippling with ribaldry, it’s a new twist on a classic theme: Sensitive girl becomes Harvard man, impregnates self by accident, leading to hijinks involving “Ice Age skeletons in scandalous positions.” A sucker for neo-Ice Age, double-sex romance, you had me at “skeletons.” The writer, who adds intrigue with the pen name “Anonymous,” provides clues on the cover (author of “Hermaphrodeity”) and inside (second edition of “Hermaphrodeity,” Alfred A. Knopf) so curious readers can sleuth out his and/or her identity. (No spoilers here!) *   *   * “Reading this book changed the way I think about erotically charged tales in which the protagonist possesses reproductive organs normally associated with both male and female sexes.” – Arturo DiMaunchie “Double Lover” at...

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Finishing School for Women

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs | 1 comment

Finishing School for Women

“Finishing School for Women” By Roman Plastich “Men’s number one need is sex. “Women have to accept it,” says Roman Plastich, author of “Finishing School for Women.” Sex, you say? This breakthrough revelation threatens to upend all previous conventional wisdom on the relationship between the sexes, including the long-held theory that men’s number one need is cuddling and talking about the future amid the soft glow of scented candles. Author Plastich – whose last name evokes a delightful conflation of “plastic” and “pastiche” – also contends there are “no right answers.” This is huge, because, if there were, studies have shown that 92 percent of men would get them wrong 93 percent of the time. “Finishing School for Women” is described as “a tongue-in-cheek book worth sharing with those special women in your life.” The blurb does not specify which cheek, but I’m definitely thinking facial. The cover features a sexy silhouette of a woman in a short skirt grabbing a guy by the tie (sharp-eyed readers may discern some possible symbolism pulsating from the tie). Like most books whose primary focus is about sex, I give it an enthusiastic 5 phallic symbols. “This book revolutionizes the time-honored concept of grabbing a dude by the tie and then developing a meaningful relationship with him by following the instructions in a how-to book.” – Arturo DiMaunchie “Finishing School for Women” at...

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Single Man’s Housecleaning Playbook

Posted by on Dec 5, 2014 in Book Blurbs, Uncategorized | 2 comments

Single Man’s Housecleaning Playbook

“The Single Man’s Housecleaning Playbook” By Sidney Showalter After his cleaning lady left due to a broken arm, one football-loving bachelor was left to tackle … housework. Though the book offers little insight into how the cleaning lady broke her arm, the author diligently compiles an informative reference book on how to “pick up” where she left off, before her apparently career-ending arm injury. Combining “funny anecdotes” with “comprehensive charts outlining housecleaning in football terms,” but little information about the ex-cleaning lady’s medical condition or how the mangled arm affects her future earning potential, this bachelor’s guide promises “a detailed, yet down-to-earth, approach to making a home shine.” “Cleaning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” – Vince...

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